Sunday, March 1, 2015

Fight On

I began this blog with good intentions. I wanted to tell people that it was ok to eat anything in moderation. However, I was not ok with eating anything in moderation. I still had foods that I would not touch. Foods that scared me just by looking at them. These past few weeks I have been pushed FAR out of my comfort zone, and it has been very difficult, but also eye-opening and exciting. 

I posted about eating fries a few months ago. At that time, eating a few fries was a big deal for me and it was a great step in the right direction, but only having a few fries a few times a year would not lead me to the freedom I hoped for. I needed to be pushed, and I was. BIG TIME. My dietitian decided I would be having 2 desserts a week, and not compensating with safe foods the rest of the time. Terrifying is an understatement. I did not want to do this! After about two weeks of going back and forth in my head, I decided that I would try this thing... my qualified dietitian had no reason to screw me over, right? 

When I finally decided to trust her, and follow my meal plan 100%, it was not easy. I wanted to restrict and go back to my old habits, but I fought hard with the voices in my head and continued to follow my plan. I remember the first week I ate everything on my meal plan, including the two extra desserts, and went to my RD appointment. I was so nervous that I had gained an obscene amount of weight...I hadn't. My weight had not moved. How on earth was this possible? Was it true that I could eat things in moderation without gaining weight? I had consumed multiple foods I wasn't comfortable with over the course of the weekend...candy on top of frozen yogurt, a panini, a cookie, French toast! The key here is the moderation part, once again. Like my RD said, she wasn't telling me to eat three cookies after lunch, just one. I wasn't supposed to eat multiple plates of French toast. Now, this doesn't mean that I ate half a piece of French toast or a bite of a cookie. I ate a normal portion, and was full afterward. Moderation does not mean deprivation.

This past weekend was probably the most challenging, but liberating one yet. I ate a burger and drank a milkshake. In one sitting. I survived to tell the tale, and I also look the same. The hardest part about this challenge was the next day. I so badly wanted to restrict, and I felt guilty. But something my RD often tells me stuck in my head...  thinking I need to restrict and feeling guilty implies that I did something wrong. I did nothing wrong! My dietitian planned that meal for me. No, I am not going to eat that everyday, but it was ok to have! My weight did not skyrocket and I still need to feed my body my normal amount, no compensating! I am still struggling with thoughts about this meal, but I will not let Ed convince me I did something wrong. I will follow my meal plan 100% today. I will fight on.