Now What?

I haven't come right out and told my full story on this blog. I don't want to get into details, as the intention of this blog is to encourage others and aid in the fight to freedom, not discuss my past. I will say, however, that I have been in recovery from an eating disorder (on and off) for a long time. I have been coasting along for a few years now, physically healthy enough with ed behaviors under control to the point that I can live a rather normal life. But recently, after being confronted by my R.D., I was told I needed to make a decision. To decide if  a) this where I want to stay...content with holding onto ed a tiny bit, and stop seeing her because it is basically wasting my money. I know how to live this partially recovered life, I don't need her. or b) to commit to FULL recovery, a life that doesn't involve ed's lies at all. Full freedom.

I have been living in this semi-recovered state for about 4 years now, and it is 100% better than the previous 5+ years of my life, which were mere existence. It is, in fact, so much better that I find myself being content with it. Behaviors don't seem like that big of a deal: "If I measure my food, who cares? I mean I am not in a hospital bed anymore!" "So what if I freak out when I am full and restrict the next few meals? No biggie! Remember, I used to not really eat at all! " This dialogue within my mind does make some sense. I am doing tremendously well compared to those dark, dark days. But if I do not have to live with any ed at all, why would I?

This is the hard part. Technically, I could stop. I could keep on doing what I have been for the past few years;living stagnantly. Sure, I'll survive. Heck, I'll even live and might even be happy! But what if I keep pressing on? What if I keep working on kicking ed's butt, and don't have to measure my food? What if I don't have to restrict or freak out over dessert? What if I can actually eat what I want, and be ok? What if I can listen to my body? I know that these things are possible. I have met many who have overcome eating disorders. If it is possible, then why would I settle for anything less? Until this point in my life I have viewed recovery as doing enough to keep me independent and occasionally have some fun. Now, I am seeing that recovery can mean more. It can mean full freedom. Freedom that Jesus talks to us about in my favorite verse, my recovery verse: "He has come that we may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

My (humble) opinion on eating clean

Eating "clean" is a philosophy that has taken off in the past year or so. Eating "whole"(minimally processed) foods is what this phrase means, and it has gained quite a following. Many will disagree with me on the subject, but, different strokes for different folks.

The idea of "detoxing" your body is so appealing. Cutting out all those nasty toxins, like sugar, makes me feel healthier just typing it! Hearing this phrase, one immediately thinks of a drug addict detoxing from harmful drugs. With that picture in your mind it seems crucial that you get those toxins out-now! Who would want to live with dirty, poisonous sugar inside them?! The problem with this philosophy is that it wrongly assigns adjectives to food that simply do not make sense. Food cannot be clean or dirty (unless you dropped it in the mud). And along with "clean" comes a sense of holiness, correctness, better than you-ness. It gives one a sense of pride. To be able to say "I got serious about my health and started eating really clean," is a version of "I am better person because of what I (don't) eat," which is a common misconception in our society today.

 Idolizing fitness and food is something our culture does, but doesn't seem to realize as idolatry. Many sins are praised and encouraged, but this is a sneaky one that seeps through the cracks. It is easy to combat by saying we need to take care of our bodies, "our bodies are a temple," which is true, but no where do I see, "deny your body of dirty food so that you can be a better person."

God gave us taste buds. He gave us the ability to eat and enjoy food for energy. We could be like plants, we could engage in photosynthesis. But no. We get to eat food! Glorious food! In order to fuel our bodies, which are meant to be for His service, food is needed!

Food is not good or bad. It does not have the power to make you clean or dirty. It cannot make you a good or bad person. I believe in eating healthily and taking care of your body in order to serve our Creator, and I believe that being able to taste the rich buttercream frosting on your grandmother's chocolate cake is a blessing.