I ate (and enjoyed) unplanned meals with my friends. Foods that were prepared by others, foods that I had not measured, and foods that certainly were not on my safe list. I'm not going to say I didn't have some anxiety, and ED was screaming at me, but I shut him down. He no longer dictates my actions.
Thinking about the normal things I am now able to do, things that don't even seem like a big deal until I compare them to my past, I am shocked and saddened. It is hard for me to believe that I used to be that shell of a person.
I think the biggest lie I bought into for far too long was that ED was special, and that he was MINE. I was the girl with the self-control;the eating disorder that kept me skinny and safe and untouchable. Competition lurked everywhere. Is she skinnier? Why isn't she eating dessert? I was obsessed with making sure that ED only belonged to me. Even during my multiple treatment stays the fact that ED wasn't solely mine didn't click. I accepted those in treatment as my ED equals, but anyone in my "real life" could NOT take that away from me.
It wasn't until late in my college career that I started to realize how big of a lie that truly is. I saw so many people struggling with ED that he was no longer able to convince me that I was his only friend (captive).
ED IS NOT SPECIAL and ED IS NOT MINE.
The eating disorder literally destroys life-physically and mentally. In the depths of the disorder, I was so sick that I could not see how I had been taken away. The staff at my last treatment center told me how my voice even changed as I started to get better.
I am thankful I can now see beyond the lies.
