ED is Not Special

A few weeks ago, I went on a weekend trip with friends. I had a great time. It wasn't until after it was over that I realized how far I have come in recovery. I think it was more of a realization of how AWFUL my life (couldn't even really be called a life) was with ED.

I ate (and enjoyed) unplanned meals with my friends. Foods that were prepared by others, foods that I had not measured, and foods that certainly were not on my safe list. I'm not going to say I didn't have some anxiety, and ED was screaming at me, but I shut him down. He no longer dictates my actions. 

Thinking about the normal things I am now able to do, things that don't even seem like a big deal until I compare them to my past, I am shocked and saddened. It is hard for me to believe that I used to be that shell of a person.

I think the biggest lie I bought into for far too long was that ED was special, and that he was MINE. I was the girl with the self-control;the eating disorder that kept me skinny and safe and untouchable. Competition lurked everywhere. Is she skinnier? Why isn't she eating dessert? I was obsessed with making sure that ED only belonged to me. Even during my multiple  treatment stays the fact that ED wasn't solely mine didn't click. I accepted those in treatment as my ED equals, but anyone in my "real life" could NOT take that away from me. 

It wasn't until late in my college career that I started to realize how big of a lie that truly is. I saw so many people struggling with ED that he was no longer able to convince me that I was his only friend (captive). 

ED IS NOT SPECIAL and ED IS NOT MINE. 

The eating disorder literally destroys life-physically and mentally. In the depths of the disorder, I was so sick that I could not see how I had been taken away. The staff at my last treatment center told me how my voice even changed as I started to get better. 

I am thankful I can now see beyond the lies. 

Holiday "Tips"- No Thank You

If I see one more article about how to "survive" holiday eating, I might go insane. I am talking about the articles in "health" magazines that give tips on how to get through Thanksgiving without gaining weight. These tips include (but are not limited to) exercising before and after your Thanksgiving meal, only eating one bite of dessert, wearing tight fitting clothing ("you will be too busy holding in your stomach to overeat"), only putting two things on your plate at a time, steering clear of additions such as butter and whipped cream, and weighing yourself daily.

Not only are these "tips" unhealthy (weighing yourself daily is never a good idea-fluctuations are normal, my friends) they are ruining these special holiday meals! Wearing tight fitting clothes to make sure you hold in your tummy and do not overeat? Is that what you want your mind to be focused on during the entirety of your holiday meal? Making sure you only eat one bite of pumpkin pie without any whipped cream (even though pumpkin pie isn't even good without whipped cream) and getting in that workout after the big meal? If you follow these tips you probably can survive a holiday without gaining a single ounce. You can also guarantee that you will be preoccupied with what you cannot eat, and unable to be present, engaged, unable to experience the life going on around you.

The holidays are special. A special time for food, family, friends, memories and experiences. Listen to your body. If you want more than one bite of pumpkin pie-have it. Have it with whipped cream. Enjoy the holiday meal, don't settle for simply surviving it.