Reality Check

While most of my posts are dedicated to the following topics: "F-YOU, ED!" or "RECOVERY IS AWESOME," today I am going to give myself a reality check about where I am currently.

I haven't fallen back into the grips of ED, but I also have not moved forward in quite some time. I tell myself that I can be doing "recovery" by checking off certain boxes: eating my meal plan, going to my appointments, etc,. However, after a hard Saturday last weekend I realized (well, it was pointed out to me) that I had been playing it very safe. Maybe I was eating all of my meal plan, but it was the same old foods. Yes, I would have my weekly desserts, but usually the same ones because somehow that had also become safe? 

After much contemplation (even though I already knew this in the back of my mind), I realize that I need to start challenging myself, not wait for my R.D. to call BS on me. I need to take control of my recovery and be pro-active in actually fighting ED, rather just coasting by in a state of "partial recovery," which I have been telling myself that I was way past. Reality check: I am not. Gotta keep up the good fight. 

ED is Not Special

A few weeks ago, I went on a weekend trip with friends. I had a great time. It wasn't until after it was over that I realized how far I have come in recovery. I think it was more of a realization of how AWFUL my life (couldn't even really be called a life) was with ED.

I ate (and enjoyed) unplanned meals with my friends. Foods that were prepared by others, foods that I had not measured, and foods that certainly were not on my safe list. I'm not going to say I didn't have some anxiety, and ED was screaming at me, but I shut him down. He no longer dictates my actions. 

Thinking about the normal things I am now able to do, things that don't even seem like a big deal until I compare them to my past, I am shocked and saddened. It is hard for me to believe that I used to be that shell of a person.

I think the biggest lie I bought into for far too long was that ED was special, and that he was MINE. I was the girl with the self-control;the eating disorder that kept me skinny and safe and untouchable. Competition lurked everywhere. Is she skinnier? Why isn't she eating dessert? I was obsessed with making sure that ED only belonged to me. Even during my multiple  treatment stays the fact that ED wasn't solely mine didn't click. I accepted those in treatment as my ED equals, but anyone in my "real life" could NOT take that away from me. 

It wasn't until late in my college career that I started to realize how big of a lie that truly is. I saw so many people struggling with ED that he was no longer able to convince me that I was his only friend (captive). 

ED IS NOT SPECIAL and ED IS NOT MINE. 

The eating disorder literally destroys life-physically and mentally. In the depths of the disorder, I was so sick that I could not see how I had been taken away. The staff at my last treatment center told me how my voice even changed as I started to get better. 

I am thankful I can now see beyond the lies. 

Jar of Hearts

I used to be very hesitant speaking about my struggles with eating in the past. That had been my identity for so long that I needed distance. I needed to be known as ME-not the girl with the ED. I am not super open about it now, but the further I get into recovery, the more I realize that it can be helpful for me and those struggling to share my experiences. It keeps me in a recovery oriented mind set and could encourage others.

I do not, however, think it is beneficial to anyone EVER to share specific behaviors, weight, calories- anything that could be latched onto as a comparison tool (just needed to make that clear).

This past weekend I drove to Nashville to meet up with some of my friends from treatment to do the NEDA walk. Driving up alone, I was able to reflect on my recovery thus far. No, things are not perfect and I still have a ways to go, but they are the best they have ever been since ED entered my life.

The last treatment center I went to in 2011, we had a fire and burned things that could potentially keep us holding onto ED. Mostly clothes. I burned multiple pairs of jeans. During this ritual I played the song "Jar of Hearts." Every lyric in that song spoke to me-it was my relationship with ED. Except one line of the song I didn't agree with: "I wish I had missed the first that we kissed." Even in treatment burning my old jeans, I didn't wish I had never met ED. I still was thankful he had come into my life and "made me skinny." WOAH, WHAT? That is such a disordered ED thought! Yet, that is how I felt until literally this past Saturday driving up to Nashville. I listened to "Jar of Hearts" and belted those words loud and proud, "I WISH I HAD MISSED THE FIRST TIME THAT WE KISSED!"

This was the first time in my entire life that I saw ED as the complete enemy. He has done nothing good for me at all! He destroyed my life. I didn't get skinny because of him. I got sick. I almost died. I missed so much LIFE. And only by the grace of God was I given the opportunity to go to treatment and have an awesome outpatient team that has helped me come so far.

I feel like this past weekend was one of realization for me. ED is glorified in our society and I bought into that idea, even in recovery. No more will I be fooled.

Now What?

I haven't come right out and told my full story on this blog. I don't want to get into details, as the intention of this blog is to encourage others and aid in the fight to freedom, not discuss my past. I will say, however, that I have been in recovery from an eating disorder (on and off) for a long time. I have been coasting along for a few years now, physically healthy enough with ed behaviors under control to the point that I can live a rather normal life. But recently, after being confronted by my R.D., I was told I needed to make a decision. To decide if  a) this where I want to stay...content with holding onto ed a tiny bit, and stop seeing her because it is basically wasting my money. I know how to live this partially recovered life, I don't need her. or b) to commit to FULL recovery, a life that doesn't involve ed's lies at all. Full freedom.

I have been living in this semi-recovered state for about 4 years now, and it is 100% better than the previous 5+ years of my life, which were mere existence. It is, in fact, so much better that I find myself being content with it. Behaviors don't seem like that big of a deal: "If I measure my food, who cares? I mean I am not in a hospital bed anymore!" "So what if I freak out when I am full and restrict the next few meals? No biggie! Remember, I used to not really eat at all! " This dialogue within my mind does make some sense. I am doing tremendously well compared to those dark, dark days. But if I do not have to live with any ed at all, why would I?

This is the hard part. Technically, I could stop. I could keep on doing what I have been for the past few years;living stagnantly. Sure, I'll survive. Heck, I'll even live and might even be happy! But what if I keep pressing on? What if I keep working on kicking ed's butt, and don't have to measure my food? What if I don't have to restrict or freak out over dessert? What if I can actually eat what I want, and be ok? What if I can listen to my body? I know that these things are possible. I have met many who have overcome eating disorders. If it is possible, then why would I settle for anything less? Until this point in my life I have viewed recovery as doing enough to keep me independent and occasionally have some fun. Now, I am seeing that recovery can mean more. It can mean full freedom. Freedom that Jesus talks to us about in my favorite verse, my recovery verse: "He has come that we may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

My (humble) opinion on eating clean

Eating "clean" is a philosophy that has taken off in the past year or so. Eating "whole"(minimally processed) foods is what this phrase means, and it has gained quite a following. Many will disagree with me on the subject, but, different strokes for different folks.

The idea of "detoxing" your body is so appealing. Cutting out all those nasty toxins, like sugar, makes me feel healthier just typing it! Hearing this phrase, one immediately thinks of a drug addict detoxing from harmful drugs. With that picture in your mind it seems crucial that you get those toxins out-now! Who would want to live with dirty, poisonous sugar inside them?! The problem with this philosophy is that it wrongly assigns adjectives to food that simply do not make sense. Food cannot be clean or dirty (unless you dropped it in the mud). And along with "clean" comes a sense of holiness, correctness, better than you-ness. It gives one a sense of pride. To be able to say "I got serious about my health and started eating really clean," is a version of "I am better person because of what I (don't) eat," which is a common misconception in our society today.

 Idolizing fitness and food is something our culture does, but doesn't seem to realize as idolatry. Many sins are praised and encouraged, but this is a sneaky one that seeps through the cracks. It is easy to combat by saying we need to take care of our bodies, "our bodies are a temple," which is true, but no where do I see, "deny your body of dirty food so that you can be a better person."

God gave us taste buds. He gave us the ability to eat and enjoy food for energy. We could be like plants, we could engage in photosynthesis. But no. We get to eat food! Glorious food! In order to fuel our bodies, which are meant to be for His service, food is needed!

Food is not good or bad. It does not have the power to make you clean or dirty. It cannot make you a good or bad person. I believe in eating healthily and taking care of your body in order to serve our Creator, and I believe that being able to taste the rich buttercream frosting on your grandmother's chocolate cake is a blessing.

The One with the Fries

Last night I ate French fries with my dinner. And they were yummy. It has taken me a long time to be able to do something like this. A few years ago, I would not even look at a French fry, too scared of what consuming it would do to me. The mere thought of the amount of calories, fat, and sodium those little fried potatoes contained was enough to make me cry-literally. I went through a period of time where I could not understand why I needed to eat something as "unhealthy" as fries. If I can live without them, why should I put myself, my body, through such destruction? Yes, I could survive without touching a fry, and many people would probably give me a pat on the back and a "I wish I had your self-discipline!" But I have learned that restricting food does not make me have self-discipline, quite the opposite actually, it allows that food to have power over me. A French fry should not hold that much power in my life!

 I am not saying that today I am completely free of those thoughts, I was anxious about eating the fries, but the difference is that today I can challenge myself. I can eat the fries and realize that I will not gain weight, that I am ok, and that I do not need to workout execssively to make up for it. Does that mean that now I am going to eat an order of large fries everyday? Of course not! That would NOT be moderation, and no one would enjoy eating large quantities of fries everyday, if he or she is listening to one's body. I am however, going to let myself enjoy a serving of fries when I feel like it.

 The cliché motto that my entire blog is based on is "everything in moderation." I used to think this motto was cheesy and too good to be true, but actually putting it into practice has not led me astray (don't worry, I will be the first to let you know if it does).

Textbook Outrage

This semester I am in a class all about health and fitness. Believe me, this was not my choice. It is a required course, and being a senior, I could not put it off any longer. I dreaded taking this course not because I dislike learning about health and fitness but quite the opposite. I have been so obsessed with this subject for so long that I am currently trying not to focus my efforts on it. But having to take this class for graduation, I thought it would not be that bad. I was sure it would discuss a healthy balance of food and exercise-probably explain the importance of carbs and protein, maybe tell a story of a young girl Karen who joined the soccer team just to have fun, but little did she know she was doing her body a favor with exercise. That would have been nice. Instead I found myself reading this:

"Janice is going on vacation for a week. Unfortunately, this means she will be unable to  engage in her usual exercise program. She should..

	-accept that her exercise program will be off track and start anew in a few months.
	-enjoy her break from exercising and pick it up again the following week.
	-attempt to find a convenient way to exercise while gone, but not make it a priority.
	-bring her resistance bands and go on runs if her hotel does not have an  exercise room.

If you are in a bad mood or do not feel like exercising, you should

	-exercise anyway.
	-exercise when you feel better.
	-exercise even harder than normal to show yourself you can do it.
	give yourself permission to take a break from any type of exercise. The bold sentences are the "correct" answers. I was appalled. This textbook is telling me that  it is wrong to go on a ONE WEEK vacation and not exercise? Excuse me? After years of  speaking with dietitians, I know this is not true. If you feel you need to "bring resistance bands  and go on runs" while on vacation, then you have a problem. I am not saying exercising on  vacation is a bad thing at all. It is the motive behind it, which brings me to my next point of  frustration.... The second question bothered me even more. This book is now telling me I should force  myself to exercise no matter what. I have spent too much of my life forcing myself to workout. If you do not feel like exercising, then you do not have to! That is something I have been taught, and am in the process of learning now. Your body does not always need exercise. If  you do not feel like it, there might be a reason- you might be lacking sleep and a nap would be better for your body, or you might just need to rest! Contrary to everything society tells us, it is ok to give your body rest! It needs it! Constantly exercising is not healthy.  This textbook is an outrage. The "correct" answers to these questions are clearly disordered,  and I cannot believe it is considered a trusted source for health and fitness education.