I Thought It Was No Biggie

The past few weeks have been a little rough. Ed has been loud, but I have been blowing it off. Telling myself it's no big deal. I have been kind of "winging" recovery for the past few months. I haven't been creating a detailed meal plan to go over with my R.D. each week. I just know my exchanges and try to meet my plan 100%. Try is the keyword here. If I miss a snack I  just tell myself not to worry about it! I can eat more at dinner or snack or later on that night. But that hasn't always been happening. I've become rather lax about my meal plan, which is good on one hand-not being obsessive over it-but negative on the other because if I do not care, I usually don't meet my meal plan needs.

I am not in a terrible downward spiral or anything, but I realized last night that blowing off recovery IS a big deal. 

I made dinner for the guy I am dating and myself last night.... lasagna roll ups (delish btw)! After dinner we were watching TV and he got a chocolate bar from the freezer. He broke off two squares and gave one to me. I ate a tiny bite and gave it back to him. He said, "Eat that whole thing. That is nothing." I thought about it, but I just could not do it. I was planning to go home and have my planned night snack, and if I ate this piece of chocolate I would not be able to have my snack, would I? I didn't want to risk messing up/over doing it. So, I told him I couldn't. After a few comments back and forth he said, "This is going to be a problem for us." That hit me. I had been thinking I was fine! Since Ed wasn't controlling my life anymore, I thought I was completely fine! But when he said that, I realized Ed was still an issue. I had put the thought of "full recovery" on the back burner, thinking this was as good as it was gonna get. FALSE. My little ed habits getting in the way of my relationship? I DO NOT WANT THAT. 

Last night was a wake-up call. One I needed. No, I am not dying on a hospital bed but that doesn't mean I can put recovery on the back burner, 

Holiday "Tips"- No Thank You

If I see one more article about how to "survive" holiday eating, I might go insane. I am talking about the articles in "health" magazines that give tips on how to get through Thanksgiving without gaining weight. These tips include (but are not limited to) exercising before and after your Thanksgiving meal, only eating one bite of dessert, wearing tight fitting clothing ("you will be too busy holding in your stomach to overeat"), only putting two things on your plate at a time, steering clear of additions such as butter and whipped cream, and weighing yourself daily.

Not only are these "tips" unhealthy (weighing yourself daily is never a good idea-fluctuations are normal, my friends) they are ruining these special holiday meals! Wearing tight fitting clothes to make sure you hold in your tummy and do not overeat? Is that what you want your mind to be focused on during the entirety of your holiday meal? Making sure you only eat one bite of pumpkin pie without any whipped cream (even though pumpkin pie isn't even good without whipped cream) and getting in that workout after the big meal? If you follow these tips you probably can survive a holiday without gaining a single ounce. You can also guarantee that you will be preoccupied with what you cannot eat, and unable to be present, engaged, unable to experience the life going on around you.

The holidays are special. A special time for food, family, friends, memories and experiences. Listen to your body. If you want more than one bite of pumpkin pie-have it. Have it with whipped cream. Enjoy the holiday meal, don't settle for simply surviving it.

Soul Food

I found this quote by Jeanne Ray, the author of Eat Cake, and I love everything about it:

“Cakes have gotten a bad rap. People equate virtue with turning down dessert. There is always one person at the table who holds up her hand when I serve the cake. No, really, I couldn’t she says, and then gives her flat stomach a conspiratorial little pat. Everyone who is pressing a fork into that first tender layer looks at the person who declined the plate, and they all think, That person is better than I am. That person has discipline. But that isn’t a person with discipline; that is a person who has completely lost touch with joy. A slice of cake never made anybody fat. You don’t eat the whole cake. You don’t eat a cake every day of your life. You take the cake when it is offered because the cake is delicious. You have a slice of cake and what it reminds you of is someplace that’s safe, uncomplicated, without stress. A cake is a party, a birthday, a wedding. A cake is what’s served on the happiest days of your life. This is a story of how my life was saved by cake, so, of course, if sides are to be taken, I will always take the side of cake.”
― Jeanne Ray

Society tells us eating dessert is a bad, sinful, and weak behavior. Refusing a gooey, warm chocolate chip cookie straight from the oven is seen as will-power, such an admirable quality. However, I wonder why such a delightful part of life has been given such a negative connotation? Perhaps it is because the concept of moderation (that cheesy, cliché word again) is foreign to most people. I will be the first to admit that I am not great with moderation. I am a very black and white thinker. The one at the table to refuse the cake, and to honestly think I might be more disciplined than those around me. I have discovered that this is completely false, as Jeanne Ray says, "But that isn't a person with discipline; that is a person who has completely lost touch with joy." 

I had a recent encounter with a slice of cake after lunch one day. 
My stomach was content; I did not feel physically hungry for more food. However, cake was this particular restaurant's specialty, and I was out with a friend who was in town from another state. We each ordered a piece, and it was absolutely divine. I felt guilty though. My stomach was not rumbling, so I did not feel justified in eating dessert. I needed to be reminded that cake is not something you eat to truly satisfy an appetite. It is something you eat for pleasure, for memory-making, for fun (and it is food, so it does give the body necessary energy!).Yes, I was full after eating the cake, but that is ok. I did not eat the whole cake, and I do not eat cake everyday. I ate it to celebrate life with my friend. 

I am fed up with being the guest who watches the thick, chocolate slices covered in rose-shaped buttercream frosting be savored and enjoyed by my friends. I am also tired of being the guest who eats the cake, but all the while longingly admires the guest who did not. I want to be the guest who eats the cake, enjoys the cake, and continues on with life.