Hi, my name is...Runner?

Running. I have written before about how this has motivated my recovery in the past, especially in the beginning stages. I would look up races and training plans online; basically salivating over reading the miles I would run. However, I have lived for so long without it, that it hasn't been a pressing motivator, but rather, a thought in the back of my mind: "I am a runner. Eventually I will get back to running."

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my RD about it, and she was brutally honest with me. She told me she didn't think running was a good idea right now, and maybe not a good idea ever. I was shocked. What did she mean ever? This has always been the long term goal! Run half marathons. Be a runner.

She explained her concerns about how my Ed was so closely tied to running. And yes, I have recognized this and heard it (many times) before, but my counter argument has always been, "But I liked running before my eating disorder!"

She believed me and asked me a question I have been pondering since that day. "Do you really like to run or do you like the idea of running/being a runner?"

I was silent. I didn't know! Both..I think?! I began to journal and ask myself why I wanted to run. Since Ed had been my identity for so long and I no longer desired that, I think I latched onto the idea of swapping "girl with eating disorder" for "runner." Runners are crazy human beings who like to do something most people hate. It was a coveted identity (in my mind) for most people since it is associated with burning a high number of calories. I realized how similar wanting the 'runner' identity was to the Ed identity. Thinking it was special, above others, somehow superior (which is 100% false btw).

Something I have been told my entire life finally took hold: I do not need any identity outside of Christ. 

I am not going to pretend like this realization has made me forget about running. I still want to get back to running, without being obsessive about it......someday. But I do not need to make it my goal for life. Being a daughter of the King needs to be my sole/soul (get it?) focus.

I am working on accepting the fact that I might not be able to return to running without falling back into ed's grasps, and that is not worth the risk. If I never run again, I will be ok. That dream of running half marathons doesn't need to be my motivation to continue to be in recovery. I am in recovery because I was created to glorify my Creator!

Maybe in the future I will write a post about how I went running and hated it, or how I loved every second of it. Either way, I need to accept the fact that neither one of those outcomes affects my identity or purpose.

Jar of Hearts

I used to be very hesitant speaking about my struggles with eating in the past. That had been my identity for so long that I needed distance. I needed to be known as ME-not the girl with the ED. I am not super open about it now, but the further I get into recovery, the more I realize that it can be helpful for me and those struggling to share my experiences. It keeps me in a recovery oriented mind set and could encourage others.

I do not, however, think it is beneficial to anyone EVER to share specific behaviors, weight, calories- anything that could be latched onto as a comparison tool (just needed to make that clear).

This past weekend I drove to Nashville to meet up with some of my friends from treatment to do the NEDA walk. Driving up alone, I was able to reflect on my recovery thus far. No, things are not perfect and I still have a ways to go, but they are the best they have ever been since ED entered my life.

The last treatment center I went to in 2011, we had a fire and burned things that could potentially keep us holding onto ED. Mostly clothes. I burned multiple pairs of jeans. During this ritual I played the song "Jar of Hearts." Every lyric in that song spoke to me-it was my relationship with ED. Except one line of the song I didn't agree with: "I wish I had missed the first that we kissed." Even in treatment burning my old jeans, I didn't wish I had never met ED. I still was thankful he had come into my life and "made me skinny." WOAH, WHAT? That is such a disordered ED thought! Yet, that is how I felt until literally this past Saturday driving up to Nashville. I listened to "Jar of Hearts" and belted those words loud and proud, "I WISH I HAD MISSED THE FIRST TIME THAT WE KISSED!"

This was the first time in my entire life that I saw ED as the complete enemy. He has done nothing good for me at all! He destroyed my life. I didn't get skinny because of him. I got sick. I almost died. I missed so much LIFE. And only by the grace of God was I given the opportunity to go to treatment and have an awesome outpatient team that has helped me come so far.

I feel like this past weekend was one of realization for me. ED is glorified in our society and I bought into that idea, even in recovery. No more will I be fooled.

(Don't) Push it to the Limit

I haven't posted anything in so long! I think it is time for me to get back into the blogging world. Even if no one else reads these posts, I enjoy writing them. It also encourages me to keep moving forward in my journey with balance and moderation.

Today I am going to write about exercise- such a tricky subject! Running has always been my go to form of activity, but since suffering a severe stress fracture in my femur January of 2014, I have not been running. I also have refrained from running because my dietician does not approve of me doing so right now, even though it has been over a year.

I understood at first that I needed to heal my stress fracture. However, the reasons my RD had for me were different. I have a history of over doing it in the exercise department. I have used running in the past in negative ways. But, it has been my motivation many times to continue on my recovery journey, "if you get to a healthy weight you can run again." But every time I got to my healthy weight and started to run, I down spiraled. I became obsessed, having to run faster, longer, looking up running tips and races online. I wanted to be defined by running.

"This time will be different" I would say to myself every time I was allowed to start running. But it never was. My motivation for running always turned into - how many calories am I burning?/if I don't run I can't eat my snack, ect.

I have missed running so much lately, and I thought I was ready to start again. After a conversation with my RD though, I realized this might not be the case. I am currently going on walks (not runs) and that is even hard for me to contain. I admit that I have become a little obsessive about these walks. It is so incredibly hard for me to not think about exercising in an extreme way. I always want to go harder, longer. I truly think pushing my body to its limits is part of who I am, however, I realize that this has been detrimental to me in the past, and I need to be cautious of it.

I truly want to be able to run again without becoming obsessed about it or developing unhealthy habits. With my history, this is going to be a difficult thing to do., but I want so badly to work towards this goal. Contrary to my thoughts at the beginning of this week, I do not think I am at the point yet where I can start running again. For now, my focus will be on continuing to go walking, and trying to keep that in balance.

Calories, Calories, Everywhere!

The FDA is requiring all restaurant chains, convient stores and movie theaters to display the calorie content of their menu items beginning in November 2015. Some restuarants already do this, so it is not a new concept. However, my question is, is this a good idea? Will it promote healthier habits among Americans?

This article shows that in the past, calorie content has had no effect on consumers' decisions.

http://www.livescience.com/9306-nutrition-labels-menus-dont-alter-habits.html

In my opinion, posting solely calories on menus is not beneficial. As seen in the article above, it has had no effect on ordering habits in the past, and if it did change someone's mind about what to order, it is based only on calories! There is more to food that calorie content. What about the amount of protein? Omega 3 fatty acids? If calories are the deciding factor for a meal, then someone may order the iceburg lettuce salad-but gain absoletulty no nutrients! Avocado is higher in calories than lite mayo, but that doesn't make it healthier!

I believe people need to be more educated about nutrition and portion sizes, as well as listening to your body! If you go to a restuarant and order what your body truly wants, stopping when you are full, the numbers on the menu are not important.

Holiday "Tips"- No Thank You

If I see one more article about how to "survive" holiday eating, I might go insane. I am talking about the articles in "health" magazines that give tips on how to get through Thanksgiving without gaining weight. These tips include (but are not limited to) exercising before and after your Thanksgiving meal, only eating one bite of dessert, wearing tight fitting clothing ("you will be too busy holding in your stomach to overeat"), only putting two things on your plate at a time, steering clear of additions such as butter and whipped cream, and weighing yourself daily.

Not only are these "tips" unhealthy (weighing yourself daily is never a good idea-fluctuations are normal, my friends) they are ruining these special holiday meals! Wearing tight fitting clothes to make sure you hold in your tummy and do not overeat? Is that what you want your mind to be focused on during the entirety of your holiday meal? Making sure you only eat one bite of pumpkin pie without any whipped cream (even though pumpkin pie isn't even good without whipped cream) and getting in that workout after the big meal? If you follow these tips you probably can survive a holiday without gaining a single ounce. You can also guarantee that you will be preoccupied with what you cannot eat, and unable to be present, engaged, unable to experience the life going on around you.

The holidays are special. A special time for food, family, friends, memories and experiences. Listen to your body. If you want more than one bite of pumpkin pie-have it. Have it with whipped cream. Enjoy the holiday meal, don't settle for simply surviving it.

The One with the Fries

Last night I ate French fries with my dinner. And they were yummy. It has taken me a long time to be able to do something like this. A few years ago, I would not even look at a French fry, too scared of what consuming it would do to me. The mere thought of the amount of calories, fat, and sodium those little fried potatoes contained was enough to make me cry-literally. I went through a period of time where I could not understand why I needed to eat something as "unhealthy" as fries. If I can live without them, why should I put myself, my body, through such destruction? Yes, I could survive without touching a fry, and many people would probably give me a pat on the back and a "I wish I had your self-discipline!" But I have learned that restricting food does not make me have self-discipline, quite the opposite actually, it allows that food to have power over me. A French fry should not hold that much power in my life!

 I am not saying that today I am completely free of those thoughts, I was anxious about eating the fries, but the difference is that today I can challenge myself. I can eat the fries and realize that I will not gain weight, that I am ok, and that I do not need to workout execssively to make up for it. Does that mean that now I am going to eat an order of large fries everyday? Of course not! That would NOT be moderation, and no one would enjoy eating large quantities of fries everyday, if he or she is listening to one's body. I am however, going to let myself enjoy a serving of fries when I feel like it.

 The cliché motto that my entire blog is based on is "everything in moderation." I used to think this motto was cheesy and too good to be true, but actually putting it into practice has not led me astray (don't worry, I will be the first to let you know if it does).

Everything in Moderation? I disagree...

I came across this blog post and could not resist giving my opinion on it. 

http://www.meghantelpner.com/blog/does-all-things-in-moderation-work/

To begin with, the first sentence really irks me: "Does “all things in moderation” work? I haven’t seen it work yet." 

I disagree. From all that I have learned from various professionals, I believe all things in moderation does work (even though I still have a hard time practicing it myself). However, I think the author is comparing apples and oranges when she brings up smoking and other "bad" habits and eating. I believe all food in moderation is the correct/most healthy way to go about eating. Smoking, on the other hand, is not the same as eating a few Cheetos at a birthday party. Smoking one cigarette will not kill you either, but the difference is that smoking contains Nicotine, which is an addictive drug. 

Food is vital to life. No, Cheetos and candy are not necessarily vital, but they are forms of energy, nonetheless. Smoking, in my opinion, is not in the same category as any type of food. 

I agree with the author in the sense that you should not eat salads all week to go have a Big Mac on Friday. But that is not practicing moderation. Moderation would not involve denying yourself all week or "saving up" for one meal. Healthy eating is important, but eating treats and an occasional burger is healthy! If you had not restricted all week and went to get that Big Mac, you might not even want the whole thing. 

The author claims that once we "get it" we will no longer think moderation is acceptable, but want to make decisions that honour our bodies and families. I do not see how eliminating certain foods is honoring one's body or family? If the chemical-laden Doritos are delicious, then eat an appropriate portion of them in moderation. They may not be great for you, but the Doritos are not going away. The Doritos will be at parties, at the grocery store, served as a snack at Bible Study. Choosing not to eat them will most likely leave you feeling deprived, as well as spending WAY too much time thinking about Doritos.

 Foods filled with toxic chemicals are all around us. I am not saying "dig in and forget about it!" It is something we should be aware of, however, I am saying that these types of foods are apart of our lives and are unavoidable. Even in the case of toxic chemicals, I still believe moderation holds true. 

Tell me your thoughts!