ED is Not Special

A few weeks ago, I went on a weekend trip with friends. I had a great time. It wasn't until after it was over that I realized how far I have come in recovery. I think it was more of a realization of how AWFUL my life (couldn't even really be called a life) was with ED.

I ate (and enjoyed) unplanned meals with my friends. Foods that were prepared by others, foods that I had not measured, and foods that certainly were not on my safe list. I'm not going to say I didn't have some anxiety, and ED was screaming at me, but I shut him down. He no longer dictates my actions. 

Thinking about the normal things I am now able to do, things that don't even seem like a big deal until I compare them to my past, I am shocked and saddened. It is hard for me to believe that I used to be that shell of a person.

I think the biggest lie I bought into for far too long was that ED was special, and that he was MINE. I was the girl with the self-control;the eating disorder that kept me skinny and safe and untouchable. Competition lurked everywhere. Is she skinnier? Why isn't she eating dessert? I was obsessed with making sure that ED only belonged to me. Even during my multiple  treatment stays the fact that ED wasn't solely mine didn't click. I accepted those in treatment as my ED equals, but anyone in my "real life" could NOT take that away from me. 

It wasn't until late in my college career that I started to realize how big of a lie that truly is. I saw so many people struggling with ED that he was no longer able to convince me that I was his only friend (captive). 

ED IS NOT SPECIAL and ED IS NOT MINE. 

The eating disorder literally destroys life-physically and mentally. In the depths of the disorder, I was so sick that I could not see how I had been taken away. The staff at my last treatment center told me how my voice even changed as I started to get better. 

I am thankful I can now see beyond the lies. 

Soul Food

I found this quote by Jeanne Ray, the author of Eat Cake, and I love everything about it:

“Cakes have gotten a bad rap. People equate virtue with turning down dessert. There is always one person at the table who holds up her hand when I serve the cake. No, really, I couldn’t she says, and then gives her flat stomach a conspiratorial little pat. Everyone who is pressing a fork into that first tender layer looks at the person who declined the plate, and they all think, That person is better than I am. That person has discipline. But that isn’t a person with discipline; that is a person who has completely lost touch with joy. A slice of cake never made anybody fat. You don’t eat the whole cake. You don’t eat a cake every day of your life. You take the cake when it is offered because the cake is delicious. You have a slice of cake and what it reminds you of is someplace that’s safe, uncomplicated, without stress. A cake is a party, a birthday, a wedding. A cake is what’s served on the happiest days of your life. This is a story of how my life was saved by cake, so, of course, if sides are to be taken, I will always take the side of cake.”
― Jeanne Ray

Society tells us eating dessert is a bad, sinful, and weak behavior. Refusing a gooey, warm chocolate chip cookie straight from the oven is seen as will-power, such an admirable quality. However, I wonder why such a delightful part of life has been given such a negative connotation? Perhaps it is because the concept of moderation (that cheesy, cliché word again) is foreign to most people. I will be the first to admit that I am not great with moderation. I am a very black and white thinker. The one at the table to refuse the cake, and to honestly think I might be more disciplined than those around me. I have discovered that this is completely false, as Jeanne Ray says, "But that isn't a person with discipline; that is a person who has completely lost touch with joy." 

I had a recent encounter with a slice of cake after lunch one day. 
My stomach was content; I did not feel physically hungry for more food. However, cake was this particular restaurant's specialty, and I was out with a friend who was in town from another state. We each ordered a piece, and it was absolutely divine. I felt guilty though. My stomach was not rumbling, so I did not feel justified in eating dessert. I needed to be reminded that cake is not something you eat to truly satisfy an appetite. It is something you eat for pleasure, for memory-making, for fun (and it is food, so it does give the body necessary energy!).Yes, I was full after eating the cake, but that is ok. I did not eat the whole cake, and I do not eat cake everyday. I ate it to celebrate life with my friend. 

I am fed up with being the guest who watches the thick, chocolate slices covered in rose-shaped buttercream frosting be savored and enjoyed by my friends. I am also tired of being the guest who eats the cake, but all the while longingly admires the guest who did not. I want to be the guest who eats the cake, enjoys the cake, and continues on with life. 

The One with the Fries

Last night I ate French fries with my dinner. And they were yummy. It has taken me a long time to be able to do something like this. A few years ago, I would not even look at a French fry, too scared of what consuming it would do to me. The mere thought of the amount of calories, fat, and sodium those little fried potatoes contained was enough to make me cry-literally. I went through a period of time where I could not understand why I needed to eat something as "unhealthy" as fries. If I can live without them, why should I put myself, my body, through such destruction? Yes, I could survive without touching a fry, and many people would probably give me a pat on the back and a "I wish I had your self-discipline!" But I have learned that restricting food does not make me have self-discipline, quite the opposite actually, it allows that food to have power over me. A French fry should not hold that much power in my life!

 I am not saying that today I am completely free of those thoughts, I was anxious about eating the fries, but the difference is that today I can challenge myself. I can eat the fries and realize that I will not gain weight, that I am ok, and that I do not need to workout execssively to make up for it. Does that mean that now I am going to eat an order of large fries everyday? Of course not! That would NOT be moderation, and no one would enjoy eating large quantities of fries everyday, if he or she is listening to one's body. I am however, going to let myself enjoy a serving of fries when I feel like it.

 The cliché motto that my entire blog is based on is "everything in moderation." I used to think this motto was cheesy and too good to be true, but actually putting it into practice has not led me astray (don't worry, I will be the first to let you know if it does).