Friday, August 21, 2015

(Don't) Push it to the Limit

I haven't posted anything in so long! I think it is time for me to get back into the blogging world. Even if no one else reads these posts, I enjoy writing them. It also encourages me to keep moving forward in my journey with balance and moderation.

Today I am going to write about exercise- such a tricky subject! Running has always been my go to form of activity, but since suffering a severe stress fracture in my femur January of 2014, I have not been running. I also have refrained from running because my dietician does not approve of me doing so right now, even though it has been over a year.

I understood at first that I needed to heal my stress fracture. However, the reasons my RD had for me were different. I have a history of over doing it in the exercise department. I have used running in the past in negative ways. But, it has been my motivation many times to continue on my recovery journey, "if you get to a healthy weight you can run again." But every time I got to my healthy weight and started to run, I down spiraled. I became obsessed, having to run faster, longer, looking up running tips and races online. I wanted to be defined by running.

"This time will be different" I would say to myself every time I was allowed to start running. But it never was. My motivation for running always turned into - how many calories am I burning?/if I don't run I can't eat my snack, ect.

I have missed running so much lately, and I thought I was ready to start again. After a conversation with my RD though, I realized this might not be the case. I am currently going on walks (not runs) and that is even hard for me to contain. I admit that I have become a little obsessive about these walks. It is so incredibly hard for me to not think about exercising in an extreme way. I always want to go harder, longer. I truly think pushing my body to its limits is part of who I am, however, I realize that this has been detrimental to me in the past, and I need to be cautious of it.

I truly want to be able to run again without becoming obsessed about it or developing unhealthy habits. With my history, this is going to be a difficult thing to do., but I want so badly to work towards this goal. Contrary to my thoughts at the beginning of this week, I do not think I am at the point yet where I can start running again. For now, my focus will be on continuing to go walking, and trying to keep that in balance.