Reality Check

While most of my posts are dedicated to the following topics: "F-YOU, ED!" or "RECOVERY IS AWESOME," today I am going to give myself a reality check about where I am currently.

I haven't fallen back into the grips of ED, but I also have not moved forward in quite some time. I tell myself that I can be doing "recovery" by checking off certain boxes: eating my meal plan, going to my appointments, etc,. However, after a hard Saturday last weekend I realized (well, it was pointed out to me) that I had been playing it very safe. Maybe I was eating all of my meal plan, but it was the same old foods. Yes, I would have my weekly desserts, but usually the same ones because somehow that had also become safe? 

After much contemplation (even though I already knew this in the back of my mind), I realize that I need to start challenging myself, not wait for my R.D. to call BS on me. I need to take control of my recovery and be pro-active in actually fighting ED, rather just coasting by in a state of "partial recovery," which I have been telling myself that I was way past. Reality check: I am not. Gotta keep up the good fight. 

I No Longer Want You, ED

This past weekend I went a trip with my church. I only knew a few people, so I was a little nervous about it. However, one girl that I did know (as in met a few weeks ago, so didnt really know) went on a walk with me Saturday afternoon.

It started out pretty casual, then got into relationship discussion and from there it started to get deep. She shared about her past relationship, which was is a huge part of her story. We slowly breached the subject of counseling and before I knew it we were both telling our stories of ED.

I have talked about my ED with other women who have struggled before, but I have always been the one looking for guidance, listening to the advice (outside of residential treatment). For the first time I was the one farther along in my recovery.

In the past this would have fed ED (ironic, I know). I can almost see myself preaching recovery to this girl, then immediately planning out a new diet and workout regimen in order to be "behind her" in recovery. How stupid that sounds now!- but with ED, it's a competition. He wants to be number 1, and wants you to be the number 1 anorexic.

This time was different though. I talked with her and encouraged her and I felt strong afterwards. I felt solid in my recovery. I did not desire to be where she was in her relationship with ED. I truly wanted her to fight ED because ED is a demon! Not because I wanted her to get better so that I could claim the anorexia crown (as before).

It was a moment of freedom.

Not (only) about Body Image

Body image is (obviously) an issue for those suffering from eating disorders, but I think the media portrays it to be a more prominent factor than it truly is. I will give "them" credit for saying there is an underlying issue most of the time-but the majority of information/articles/TV shows/portrayals of eating disorders etc., focus on a person just obsessing over their body.

While this is true to an extent- I know in my experience there came a point where I no longer focused on my body. Of course I didn't want to gain weight, I am not saying that, but I was no longer restricting my food intake to become thinner. I was refusing to give my body nourishment because mentally I could not do it. I could not even handle the thought of consuming calories; the thought of my stomach feeling full, and not because of the effect it would have on my weight but because my brain told me it was not ok.

Many times in the beginning of my recovery I  remember wanting so badly to be able to just eat!-but I couldn't. I couldn't because I was sick. My brain was not well. This is where I think many people get confused. They think anorexia is a diet that went too far-and yes, that is usually how it starts, but a mental illness is not something you can just "get from dieting." It is a disease.

A disease where you literally look at yourself in the mirror and see something different from reality. A disease that tells you to ignore your body's natural cues. A disease that controls every.single. thing. you do.

It is not just an obsession over being thin. It is not just a diet gone wrong. It is serious mental disorder.