Friday, August 10, 2018

What A Concept!

I have never reached this point in recovery before. I have been at this weight before, even a higher weight, but I have NEVER had the mindset I currently have.

I used to think being weight restored was equal to being recovered. I have thought back to the times I left treatment in my new, healthy body, but with a not so healthy mindset.

This is the first time in my entire life that I can say my body and my mind are on the same page. I ate a cheeseburger last week (not planned) and I didn't spend the next few days worried about it. I didn't even spend the next few minutes! I literally ate the burger and moved on with my life. What a concept!

Now, I have eaten cheeseburgers before, but this is the first time that I wasn't cringing inside thinking about the calories I was consuming or how I would "pay" for it later. I am free.

I never in my life thought I would be writing these words. Recovery is possible, my friends. Keep fighting.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Real Recovery

I've written this before, many times actually. The difference is this time my motives have changed.
Been in a quasi- recovery stage for about 2 years now. I am now (terrifyingly) breaking free from that mindset. My motivation is no longer to run a half marathon. It is no longer to get to where I "should be" so that I can go back to how I was.

After YEARS of Ed,  (a few recovery oriented ones, many half-assed recovery ones), this is it. THE END. Goodbye.

I want to focus on eating food that tastes good to me. In the past, I longed to be very "healthy" in my recovery.That inst in itself, a bad thing, but in my case it was (is)...because I cannot think of food in terms of healthy or not healthy. I have done that much too long. Food needs to just be food. It can hold no more power than that in my life.

I am trying what I call "real recovery." Where I eat food that normal people eat, not "coconut oil, almond spent grain refined organic flour" bullshit. That stuff is hard to find, hard to make, and honestly not worth my time, when in reality there is little difference between eating peanut butter and "organic almond spread."

I am also thinking about how I want my future children to view eating/food/exercsie. I want them to eat nourishing foods, but ultimately not really care! Nutrition has taken such as forefront in our society that it is no longer healthy! It is about being "good" and "bad" and "guilty" and all these other emotions that have no place among food!

I read a story the other week about a mom who fired a babysitter because she took the kids out to eat and let them order a hamburger. Yes, (sadly) I am serious.
If I want my future children to have a normal relationship with food and exercise, then I have to have a normal relationship with food and exercise!

So, here's to real recovery. Real ice cream (no thanks, Halo Top), and oh yeah, CAULIFLOWER ISN'T RICE.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

My Tribe?

Tribe. I've heard this phrase used many times in the past couple of years. "Ladies, it is so important to have a tribe. A group of women you can trust, hang out with, be real with- your people."

The term may be new, but the concept isn't. It is something I have struggled with since elementary school. Having my "group." Ok, let's be honest, my "clique." I  have always desperately wanted to have a group of friends to whom I belonged. It didn't become problematic for me until high school. With Ed's help (or course), I started to doubt myself. Was I really "in" this group of friends? When people referred to this group (I'll spare you the cliche high school name of it), I always questioned whether or not I was included. Because of Ed I missed out on a lot of fun times with my friends in high school. This was quickly twisted and turned into "you don't have friends; you are an outsider." 

When I went to college things were different. I found my "tribe"! For once, I truly felt like I was a crucial part of a friend group.

Three years out of college my life has changed quite a bit. Even though I still live in the same city as a few of my college friends, we aren't' as close as we used to be. I am not sure if that is because I am in a different stage of life than they are, or because of something else. Regardless, I have been struggling. I have a few new friends that I love, but my college friends should be the ones that are in my wedding, the ones I go to in times of trouble.... right? Maybe not.

As I grow up, I am learning that not all friendships last a lifetime. There are a few that will and praise God for those! However, sometimes friendships are great, true friendships, but aren't meant to last forever. There are certain people in your life at certain times for certain reasons. I am not saying you shouldn't try to keep up with people or continue to foster relationships, because it takes quite a bit of effort to have ANY friends in the adult world! But growing up sometimes means growing apart, and that is ok. It doesn't make the times you shared together any less valuable.

Maybe a tribe is important, but it doesn't mean you have one "tribe" for your entire life, or that a tribe has to be a group of 3 or more women doing yoga together. I think the point is having one or more people in your life who you can be completely real with, no hiding or holding back. Right now, that person is my mom, and I think that is perfectly acceptable.

I'm not writing this to bash the strong groups of friends that I know exist. If you have that- I am sincerely happy for you. I am writing it for those, like me, who have struggled to find that sense of belonging.