I Thought It Was No Biggie

The past few weeks have been a little rough. Ed has been loud, but I have been blowing it off. Telling myself it's no big deal. I have been kind of "winging" recovery for the past few months. I haven't been creating a detailed meal plan to go over with my R.D. each week. I just know my exchanges and try to meet my plan 100%. Try is the keyword here. If I miss a snack I  just tell myself not to worry about it! I can eat more at dinner or snack or later on that night. But that hasn't always been happening. I've become rather lax about my meal plan, which is good on one hand-not being obsessive over it-but negative on the other because if I do not care, I usually don't meet my meal plan needs.

I am not in a terrible downward spiral or anything, but I realized last night that blowing off recovery IS a big deal. 

I made dinner for the guy I am dating and myself last night.... lasagna roll ups (delish btw)! After dinner we were watching TV and he got a chocolate bar from the freezer. He broke off two squares and gave one to me. I ate a tiny bite and gave it back to him. He said, "Eat that whole thing. That is nothing." I thought about it, but I just could not do it. I was planning to go home and have my planned night snack, and if I ate this piece of chocolate I would not be able to have my snack, would I? I didn't want to risk messing up/over doing it. So, I told him I couldn't. After a few comments back and forth he said, "This is going to be a problem for us." That hit me. I had been thinking I was fine! Since Ed wasn't controlling my life anymore, I thought I was completely fine! But when he said that, I realized Ed was still an issue. I had put the thought of "full recovery" on the back burner, thinking this was as good as it was gonna get. FALSE. My little ed habits getting in the way of my relationship? I DO NOT WANT THAT. 

Last night was a wake-up call. One I needed. No, I am not dying on a hospital bed but that doesn't mean I can put recovery on the back burner, 

Jar of Hearts

I used to be very hesitant speaking about my struggles with eating in the past. That had been my identity for so long that I needed distance. I needed to be known as ME-not the girl with the ED. I am not super open about it now, but the further I get into recovery, the more I realize that it can be helpful for me and those struggling to share my experiences. It keeps me in a recovery oriented mind set and could encourage others.

I do not, however, think it is beneficial to anyone EVER to share specific behaviors, weight, calories- anything that could be latched onto as a comparison tool (just needed to make that clear).

This past weekend I drove to Nashville to meet up with some of my friends from treatment to do the NEDA walk. Driving up alone, I was able to reflect on my recovery thus far. No, things are not perfect and I still have a ways to go, but they are the best they have ever been since ED entered my life.

The last treatment center I went to in 2011, we had a fire and burned things that could potentially keep us holding onto ED. Mostly clothes. I burned multiple pairs of jeans. During this ritual I played the song "Jar of Hearts." Every lyric in that song spoke to me-it was my relationship with ED. Except one line of the song I didn't agree with: "I wish I had missed the first that we kissed." Even in treatment burning my old jeans, I didn't wish I had never met ED. I still was thankful he had come into my life and "made me skinny." WOAH, WHAT? That is such a disordered ED thought! Yet, that is how I felt until literally this past Saturday driving up to Nashville. I listened to "Jar of Hearts" and belted those words loud and proud, "I WISH I HAD MISSED THE FIRST TIME THAT WE KISSED!"

This was the first time in my entire life that I saw ED as the complete enemy. He has done nothing good for me at all! He destroyed my life. I didn't get skinny because of him. I got sick. I almost died. I missed so much LIFE. And only by the grace of God was I given the opportunity to go to treatment and have an awesome outpatient team that has helped me come so far.

I feel like this past weekend was one of realization for me. ED is glorified in our society and I bought into that idea, even in recovery. No more will I be fooled.