What A Concept!

I have never reached this point in recovery before. I have been at this weight before, even a higher weight, but I have NEVER had the mindset I currently have.

I used to think being weight restored was equal to being recovered. I have thought back to the times I left treatment in my new, healthy body, but with a not so healthy mindset.

This is the first time in my entire life that I can say my body and my mind are on the same page. I ate a cheeseburger last week (not planned) and I didn't spend the next few days worried about it. I didn't even spend the next few minutes! I literally ate the burger and moved on with my life. What a concept!

Now, I have eaten cheeseburgers before, but this is the first time that I wasn't cringing inside thinking about the calories I was consuming or how I would "pay" for it later. I am free.

I never in my life thought I would be writing these words. Recovery is possible, my friends. Keep fighting.

Reality Check

While most of my posts are dedicated to the following topics: "F-YOU, ED!" or "RECOVERY IS AWESOME," today I am going to give myself a reality check about where I am currently.

I haven't fallen back into the grips of ED, but I also have not moved forward in quite some time. I tell myself that I can be doing "recovery" by checking off certain boxes: eating my meal plan, going to my appointments, etc,. However, after a hard Saturday last weekend I realized (well, it was pointed out to me) that I had been playing it very safe. Maybe I was eating all of my meal plan, but it was the same old foods. Yes, I would have my weekly desserts, but usually the same ones because somehow that had also become safe? 

After much contemplation (even though I already knew this in the back of my mind), I realize that I need to start challenging myself, not wait for my R.D. to call BS on me. I need to take control of my recovery and be pro-active in actually fighting ED, rather just coasting by in a state of "partial recovery," which I have been telling myself that I was way past. Reality check: I am not. Gotta keep up the good fight. 

A Whole New Light

I have recently come to a point where I am ok with the way my body looks. I have bad days, but overall I can say that I am mostly content. This amazing contentment was ruffled and hindered this past weekend when......I tried on a bathing suit. Suddenly the body I was ok with became appalling. I saw cellulite on my thighs, my stomach looked huge. The only part of me that I wasn't disgusted by was my arms. Which is ironic, because I often see my arms, in short sleeves, and are not that fond of them. I had a moment of panic. How do I fix this? What kind of food do I need to avoid/what new workout regiment do I need to begin to get rid of this cellulite?? But luckily I was able to reign in my thoughts, for the most part, and think about how even when I was extremely thin (sick) I was not happy with my body. Negative thoughts still lingered, but the next day I went shopping again in a different store. 

I saw myself in a new light (literally). The lighting in this dressing room was different. I no longer saw my body in the negative way I had the day before. The cellulite that was so prominent before wasn't even visible. I was ok with myself again. So, the lighting in a dressing room is going to determine my happiness? Definitely not. This just reinforced how I cannot trust what I see in the mirror. It can be distorted by my view point, the lighting, the clothing, everything! I need to focus on trusting my treatment team that I am at a healthy weight, learning to workout in a healthy way (for my heart/bones) and eating a balanced diet. That is what I need to be focused on for my recovery-not picking apart flaws that I can see only in certain lighting. 

This is a hard truth to accept, especially when everyone is talking about getting their "bikini body." But stay strong recovery warriors! Keep up the fight. 

Jar of Hearts

I used to be very hesitant speaking about my struggles with eating in the past. That had been my identity for so long that I needed distance. I needed to be known as ME-not the girl with the ED. I am not super open about it now, but the further I get into recovery, the more I realize that it can be helpful for me and those struggling to share my experiences. It keeps me in a recovery oriented mind set and could encourage others.

I do not, however, think it is beneficial to anyone EVER to share specific behaviors, weight, calories- anything that could be latched onto as a comparison tool (just needed to make that clear).

This past weekend I drove to Nashville to meet up with some of my friends from treatment to do the NEDA walk. Driving up alone, I was able to reflect on my recovery thus far. No, things are not perfect and I still have a ways to go, but they are the best they have ever been since ED entered my life.

The last treatment center I went to in 2011, we had a fire and burned things that could potentially keep us holding onto ED. Mostly clothes. I burned multiple pairs of jeans. During this ritual I played the song "Jar of Hearts." Every lyric in that song spoke to me-it was my relationship with ED. Except one line of the song I didn't agree with: "I wish I had missed the first that we kissed." Even in treatment burning my old jeans, I didn't wish I had never met ED. I still was thankful he had come into my life and "made me skinny." WOAH, WHAT? That is such a disordered ED thought! Yet, that is how I felt until literally this past Saturday driving up to Nashville. I listened to "Jar of Hearts" and belted those words loud and proud, "I WISH I HAD MISSED THE FIRST TIME THAT WE KISSED!"

This was the first time in my entire life that I saw ED as the complete enemy. He has done nothing good for me at all! He destroyed my life. I didn't get skinny because of him. I got sick. I almost died. I missed so much LIFE. And only by the grace of God was I given the opportunity to go to treatment and have an awesome outpatient team that has helped me come so far.

I feel like this past weekend was one of realization for me. ED is glorified in our society and I bought into that idea, even in recovery. No more will I be fooled.

Now What?

I haven't come right out and told my full story on this blog. I don't want to get into details, as the intention of this blog is to encourage others and aid in the fight to freedom, not discuss my past. I will say, however, that I have been in recovery from an eating disorder (on and off) for a long time. I have been coasting along for a few years now, physically healthy enough with ed behaviors under control to the point that I can live a rather normal life. But recently, after being confronted by my R.D., I was told I needed to make a decision. To decide if  a) this where I want to stay...content with holding onto ed a tiny bit, and stop seeing her because it is basically wasting my money. I know how to live this partially recovered life, I don't need her. or b) to commit to FULL recovery, a life that doesn't involve ed's lies at all. Full freedom.

I have been living in this semi-recovered state for about 4 years now, and it is 100% better than the previous 5+ years of my life, which were mere existence. It is, in fact, so much better that I find myself being content with it. Behaviors don't seem like that big of a deal: "If I measure my food, who cares? I mean I am not in a hospital bed anymore!" "So what if I freak out when I am full and restrict the next few meals? No biggie! Remember, I used to not really eat at all! " This dialogue within my mind does make some sense. I am doing tremendously well compared to those dark, dark days. But if I do not have to live with any ed at all, why would I?

This is the hard part. Technically, I could stop. I could keep on doing what I have been for the past few years;living stagnantly. Sure, I'll survive. Heck, I'll even live and might even be happy! But what if I keep pressing on? What if I keep working on kicking ed's butt, and don't have to measure my food? What if I don't have to restrict or freak out over dessert? What if I can actually eat what I want, and be ok? What if I can listen to my body? I know that these things are possible. I have met many who have overcome eating disorders. If it is possible, then why would I settle for anything less? Until this point in my life I have viewed recovery as doing enough to keep me independent and occasionally have some fun. Now, I am seeing that recovery can mean more. It can mean full freedom. Freedom that Jesus talks to us about in my favorite verse, my recovery verse: "He has come that we may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

My (humble) opinion on eating clean

Eating "clean" is a philosophy that has taken off in the past year or so. Eating "whole"(minimally processed) foods is what this phrase means, and it has gained quite a following. Many will disagree with me on the subject, but, different strokes for different folks.

The idea of "detoxing" your body is so appealing. Cutting out all those nasty toxins, like sugar, makes me feel healthier just typing it! Hearing this phrase, one immediately thinks of a drug addict detoxing from harmful drugs. With that picture in your mind it seems crucial that you get those toxins out-now! Who would want to live with dirty, poisonous sugar inside them?! The problem with this philosophy is that it wrongly assigns adjectives to food that simply do not make sense. Food cannot be clean or dirty (unless you dropped it in the mud). And along with "clean" comes a sense of holiness, correctness, better than you-ness. It gives one a sense of pride. To be able to say "I got serious about my health and started eating really clean," is a version of "I am better person because of what I (don't) eat," which is a common misconception in our society today.

 Idolizing fitness and food is something our culture does, but doesn't seem to realize as idolatry. Many sins are praised and encouraged, but this is a sneaky one that seeps through the cracks. It is easy to combat by saying we need to take care of our bodies, "our bodies are a temple," which is true, but no where do I see, "deny your body of dirty food so that you can be a better person."

God gave us taste buds. He gave us the ability to eat and enjoy food for energy. We could be like plants, we could engage in photosynthesis. But no. We get to eat food! Glorious food! In order to fuel our bodies, which are meant to be for His service, food is needed!

Food is not good or bad. It does not have the power to make you clean or dirty. It cannot make you a good or bad person. I believe in eating healthily and taking care of your body in order to serve our Creator, and I believe that being able to taste the rich buttercream frosting on your grandmother's chocolate cake is a blessing.

(Don't) Push it to the Limit

I haven't posted anything in so long! I think it is time for me to get back into the blogging world. Even if no one else reads these posts, I enjoy writing them. It also encourages me to keep moving forward in my journey with balance and moderation.

Today I am going to write about exercise- such a tricky subject! Running has always been my go to form of activity, but since suffering a severe stress fracture in my femur January of 2014, I have not been running. I also have refrained from running because my dietician does not approve of me doing so right now, even though it has been over a year.

I understood at first that I needed to heal my stress fracture. However, the reasons my RD had for me were different. I have a history of over doing it in the exercise department. I have used running in the past in negative ways. But, it has been my motivation many times to continue on my recovery journey, "if you get to a healthy weight you can run again." But every time I got to my healthy weight and started to run, I down spiraled. I became obsessed, having to run faster, longer, looking up running tips and races online. I wanted to be defined by running.

"This time will be different" I would say to myself every time I was allowed to start running. But it never was. My motivation for running always turned into - how many calories am I burning?/if I don't run I can't eat my snack, ect.

I have missed running so much lately, and I thought I was ready to start again. After a conversation with my RD though, I realized this might not be the case. I am currently going on walks (not runs) and that is even hard for me to contain. I admit that I have become a little obsessive about these walks. It is so incredibly hard for me to not think about exercising in an extreme way. I always want to go harder, longer. I truly think pushing my body to its limits is part of who I am, however, I realize that this has been detrimental to me in the past, and I need to be cautious of it.

I truly want to be able to run again without becoming obsessed about it or developing unhealthy habits. With my history, this is going to be a difficult thing to do., but I want so badly to work towards this goal. Contrary to my thoughts at the beginning of this week, I do not think I am at the point yet where I can start running again. For now, my focus will be on continuing to go walking, and trying to keep that in balance.

Soul Food

I found this quote by Jeanne Ray, the author of Eat Cake, and I love everything about it:

“Cakes have gotten a bad rap. People equate virtue with turning down dessert. There is always one person at the table who holds up her hand when I serve the cake. No, really, I couldn’t she says, and then gives her flat stomach a conspiratorial little pat. Everyone who is pressing a fork into that first tender layer looks at the person who declined the plate, and they all think, That person is better than I am. That person has discipline. But that isn’t a person with discipline; that is a person who has completely lost touch with joy. A slice of cake never made anybody fat. You don’t eat the whole cake. You don’t eat a cake every day of your life. You take the cake when it is offered because the cake is delicious. You have a slice of cake and what it reminds you of is someplace that’s safe, uncomplicated, without stress. A cake is a party, a birthday, a wedding. A cake is what’s served on the happiest days of your life. This is a story of how my life was saved by cake, so, of course, if sides are to be taken, I will always take the side of cake.”
― Jeanne Ray

Society tells us eating dessert is a bad, sinful, and weak behavior. Refusing a gooey, warm chocolate chip cookie straight from the oven is seen as will-power, such an admirable quality. However, I wonder why such a delightful part of life has been given such a negative connotation? Perhaps it is because the concept of moderation (that cheesy, cliché word again) is foreign to most people. I will be the first to admit that I am not great with moderation. I am a very black and white thinker. The one at the table to refuse the cake, and to honestly think I might be more disciplined than those around me. I have discovered that this is completely false, as Jeanne Ray says, "But that isn't a person with discipline; that is a person who has completely lost touch with joy." 

I had a recent encounter with a slice of cake after lunch one day. 
My stomach was content; I did not feel physically hungry for more food. However, cake was this particular restaurant's specialty, and I was out with a friend who was in town from another state. We each ordered a piece, and it was absolutely divine. I felt guilty though. My stomach was not rumbling, so I did not feel justified in eating dessert. I needed to be reminded that cake is not something you eat to truly satisfy an appetite. It is something you eat for pleasure, for memory-making, for fun (and it is food, so it does give the body necessary energy!).Yes, I was full after eating the cake, but that is ok. I did not eat the whole cake, and I do not eat cake everyday. I ate it to celebrate life with my friend. 

I am fed up with being the guest who watches the thick, chocolate slices covered in rose-shaped buttercream frosting be savored and enjoyed by my friends. I am also tired of being the guest who eats the cake, but all the while longingly admires the guest who did not. I want to be the guest who eats the cake, enjoys the cake, and continues on with life. 

The One with the Fries

Last night I ate French fries with my dinner. And they were yummy. It has taken me a long time to be able to do something like this. A few years ago, I would not even look at a French fry, too scared of what consuming it would do to me. The mere thought of the amount of calories, fat, and sodium those little fried potatoes contained was enough to make me cry-literally. I went through a period of time where I could not understand why I needed to eat something as "unhealthy" as fries. If I can live without them, why should I put myself, my body, through such destruction? Yes, I could survive without touching a fry, and many people would probably give me a pat on the back and a "I wish I had your self-discipline!" But I have learned that restricting food does not make me have self-discipline, quite the opposite actually, it allows that food to have power over me. A French fry should not hold that much power in my life!

 I am not saying that today I am completely free of those thoughts, I was anxious about eating the fries, but the difference is that today I can challenge myself. I can eat the fries and realize that I will not gain weight, that I am ok, and that I do not need to workout execssively to make up for it. Does that mean that now I am going to eat an order of large fries everyday? Of course not! That would NOT be moderation, and no one would enjoy eating large quantities of fries everyday, if he or she is listening to one's body. I am however, going to let myself enjoy a serving of fries when I feel like it.

 The cliché motto that my entire blog is based on is "everything in moderation." I used to think this motto was cheesy and too good to be true, but actually putting it into practice has not led me astray (don't worry, I will be the first to let you know if it does).

Everything in Moderation? I disagree...

I came across this blog post and could not resist giving my opinion on it. 

http://www.meghantelpner.com/blog/does-all-things-in-moderation-work/

To begin with, the first sentence really irks me: "Does “all things in moderation” work? I haven’t seen it work yet." 

I disagree. From all that I have learned from various professionals, I believe all things in moderation does work (even though I still have a hard time practicing it myself). However, I think the author is comparing apples and oranges when she brings up smoking and other "bad" habits and eating. I believe all food in moderation is the correct/most healthy way to go about eating. Smoking, on the other hand, is not the same as eating a few Cheetos at a birthday party. Smoking one cigarette will not kill you either, but the difference is that smoking contains Nicotine, which is an addictive drug. 

Food is vital to life. No, Cheetos and candy are not necessarily vital, but they are forms of energy, nonetheless. Smoking, in my opinion, is not in the same category as any type of food. 

I agree with the author in the sense that you should not eat salads all week to go have a Big Mac on Friday. But that is not practicing moderation. Moderation would not involve denying yourself all week or "saving up" for one meal. Healthy eating is important, but eating treats and an occasional burger is healthy! If you had not restricted all week and went to get that Big Mac, you might not even want the whole thing. 

The author claims that once we "get it" we will no longer think moderation is acceptable, but want to make decisions that honour our bodies and families. I do not see how eliminating certain foods is honoring one's body or family? If the chemical-laden Doritos are delicious, then eat an appropriate portion of them in moderation. They may not be great for you, but the Doritos are not going away. The Doritos will be at parties, at the grocery store, served as a snack at Bible Study. Choosing not to eat them will most likely leave you feeling deprived, as well as spending WAY too much time thinking about Doritos.

 Foods filled with toxic chemicals are all around us. I am not saying "dig in and forget about it!" It is something we should be aware of, however, I am saying that these types of foods are apart of our lives and are unavoidable. Even in the case of toxic chemicals, I still believe moderation holds true. 

Tell me your thoughts!

Workout Check..Am I Sore?

Growing up, I played on a competitive club soccer team. We traveled most weekends to compete in tournaments, where we would play two or three games a day. That is a lot of soccer. My favorite part of the weekend though, was the Monday morning after, barely able to get out of bed because my muscles ached from soreness. I enjoyed every second of walking to and from my classes at school, feeling the soreness in every step. My teammates loved it too. We would brag to each other how sore we were, trying to prove how hard we had worked. I clung to that feeling. I longed for that soreness. It made me feel accomplished. I knew I had really given it my all, and that I was a legitimate athlete if I was unable to walk properly the next day.

That mentality has stuck with me. I no longer have tournaments that force me to play three soccer games in one day, but when I work out, I want to be sore. If not, I think "I did not work hard enough. I didn't accomplish anything. I need to really increase my workout next time." FALSE. I am learning that soreness is not something to be coveted. It means I pushed my body out of its comfort zone, which is not always a bad thing, but expecting that to happen after every workout is unhealthy and crazy!

The article below explains the myth behind soreness=progress. I do not agree with the paragraph which encourages us to get into a body composition monitor, (just don't do that..not a good idea for anyone) but I like how the article explains how scientifically a lack of soreness in muscles does not mean your body did not reap benefits from the workout.

The cliche takeaway that I am still trying to convince myself of....Listen to your body! (whatever the heck that means)

http://thechalkboardmag.com/fit-or-fiction-the-truth-about-no-pain-no-gain

Textbook Outrage

This semester I am in a class all about health and fitness. Believe me, this was not my choice. It is a required course, and being a senior, I could not put it off any longer. I dreaded taking this course not because I dislike learning about health and fitness but quite the opposite. I have been so obsessed with this subject for so long that I am currently trying not to focus my efforts on it. But having to take this class for graduation, I thought it would not be that bad. I was sure it would discuss a healthy balance of food and exercise-probably explain the importance of carbs and protein, maybe tell a story of a young girl Karen who joined the soccer team just to have fun, but little did she know she was doing her body a favor with exercise. That would have been nice. Instead I found myself reading this:

"Janice is going on vacation for a week. Unfortunately, this means she will be unable to  engage in her usual exercise program. She should..

	-accept that her exercise program will be off track and start anew in a few months.
	-enjoy her break from exercising and pick it up again the following week.
	-attempt to find a convenient way to exercise while gone, but not make it a priority.
	-bring her resistance bands and go on runs if her hotel does not have an  exercise room.

If you are in a bad mood or do not feel like exercising, you should

	-exercise anyway.
	-exercise when you feel better.
	-exercise even harder than normal to show yourself you can do it.
	give yourself permission to take a break from any type of exercise. The bold sentences are the "correct" answers. I was appalled. This textbook is telling me that  it is wrong to go on a ONE WEEK vacation and not exercise? Excuse me? After years of  speaking with dietitians, I know this is not true. If you feel you need to "bring resistance bands  and go on runs" while on vacation, then you have a problem. I am not saying exercising on  vacation is a bad thing at all. It is the motive behind it, which brings me to my next point of  frustration.... The second question bothered me even more. This book is now telling me I should force  myself to exercise no matter what. I have spent too much of my life forcing myself to workout. If you do not feel like exercising, then you do not have to! That is something I have been taught, and am in the process of learning now. Your body does not always need exercise. If  you do not feel like it, there might be a reason- you might be lacking sleep and a nap would be better for your body, or you might just need to rest! Contrary to everything society tells us, it is ok to give your body rest! It needs it! Constantly exercising is not healthy.  This textbook is an outrage. The "correct" answers to these questions are clearly disordered,  and I cannot believe it is considered a trusted source for health and fitness education.

A Common Misconception: Moderation

Moderation. Moderation. Moderation. That is all I keep hearing from health magazines, yet why is this so contradicting to everything else these magazines publish? One article tells us to eat dessert to prevent a binge later, while the front page gives us the nutritional breakdown of said dessert in an attempt to convince us otherwise.

Today I came across an aggravating ad, not to mention an oxymoron. The article's description to draw readers in was, "it is fine to indulge once in a while but these offenders are just not worth it." The "offenders" included frosting, bagels, bacon, soy sauce, maraschino cherries, and jarred tomato sauce. A peculiar combination of foods that can never be consumed. The reasons for banning these horrific edibles included everything from calories, fat and sugar content, sodium and artificial flavors. Why were these specific foods singled out? If it comes down to grams of sugar, doesn't a cookie have more sugar than jarred tomato sauce? What about funnel cake? We can eat funnel cake but not maraschino cherries? 

There is no specific list of foods to avoid. The point of moderation is MODERATION for EVERYTHING. No foods are excluded in this statement. As one who has been in the recovery process for awhile now, it angers me greatly to see "health" magazines try to promote a balanced lifestyle, while publishing articles such as the one mentioned above.