Free Time

Work has been slow the past week or two, and besides a few social activities on weekends I have not been very busy in general. Being bored is very tough for me. When I was not doing well (AKA struggling with Ed severely) I was never bored. My mind and body were constantly occupied with Ed. Either working out, thinking about working out, reading fitness/diet magazines, thinking about food/wondering through the grocery store to look at food, looking up calories online (sometimes of restaurants I had not even heard of before.... just because it would be nice to know what foods to avoid if I ever was faced with such a terrible situation).

That was one thing the eating disorder gave to me-I always had something to be working on, a reason to keep going...because what was life besides running and calories? 

Being on the recovery side of ed, I look back at my old self and cannot believe how I filled my time. Was looking at calories from restaurants in California really what I did for 2 hours on a Saturday? Even if I do not have lavish plans on the weekend now, I would  never want to do that activity again! One of the many perks of recovery is that you get to choose how you want to spend your time (opposed to Ed choosing for you). However, it's hard when almost all of your previous free time activities are Ed related...

Instead of exercising (beyond what I am allowed), I have recently begun journaling again, a habit I really got into during my stays at treatment when free time was frequent and behaviors were not an option. I have found that writing makes me feel tremendously better. Even if I am in a good place, writing soothes me.

My new routine is to go to Starbucks, order my iced coffee with extra soy milk, now that it's cold outside I'll probably switch it up to a cinnamon dolce latte :), and settle in for an hour or so of writing. 

I used to think writing without a real purpose or without something significant to say was childish. I have since changed my outlook completely.

I realized that the act of writing, whether it is about a sweater or life and death is important, for me at least. Every sentence doesn't need to be a breathtaking string of extravagant words. I can write whatever I want because there are no rules.

Now I might simply write about my day-the mundane meetings I had at work or something really exciting at work like seeing caramel flavored creamer at the coffee bar (yes, this is exciting).Other days may be more intense and I'll find myself filling the pages with emotion and adjectives I didn't even know that I knew!

Realizing my enjoyment of writing makes me wonder what else I really enjoy doing - things that are not just what Ed has told me to like. Discovering my real interests is a step in recovery that I haven't taken thus far. Unoccupied time has been dictated by Ed for far too long. I am excited to learn what Julie enjoys doing in her free time.

Hi, my name is...Runner?

Running. I have written before about how this has motivated my recovery in the past, especially in the beginning stages. I would look up races and training plans online; basically salivating over reading the miles I would run. However, I have lived for so long without it, that it hasn't been a pressing motivator, but rather, a thought in the back of my mind: "I am a runner. Eventually I will get back to running."

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my RD about it, and she was brutally honest with me. She told me she didn't think running was a good idea right now, and maybe not a good idea ever. I was shocked. What did she mean ever? This has always been the long term goal! Run half marathons. Be a runner.

She explained her concerns about how my Ed was so closely tied to running. And yes, I have recognized this and heard it (many times) before, but my counter argument has always been, "But I liked running before my eating disorder!"

She believed me and asked me a question I have been pondering since that day. "Do you really like to run or do you like the idea of running/being a runner?"

I was silent. I didn't know! Both..I think?! I began to journal and ask myself why I wanted to run. Since Ed had been my identity for so long and I no longer desired that, I think I latched onto the idea of swapping "girl with eating disorder" for "runner." Runners are crazy human beings who like to do something most people hate. It was a coveted identity (in my mind) for most people since it is associated with burning a high number of calories. I realized how similar wanting the 'runner' identity was to the Ed identity. Thinking it was special, above others, somehow superior (which is 100% false btw).

Something I have been told my entire life finally took hold: I do not need any identity outside of Christ. 

I am not going to pretend like this realization has made me forget about running. I still want to get back to running, without being obsessive about it......someday. But I do not need to make it my goal for life. Being a daughter of the King needs to be my sole/soul (get it?) focus.

I am working on accepting the fact that I might not be able to return to running without falling back into ed's grasps, and that is not worth the risk. If I never run again, I will be ok. That dream of running half marathons doesn't need to be my motivation to continue to be in recovery. I am in recovery because I was created to glorify my Creator!

Maybe in the future I will write a post about how I went running and hated it, or how I loved every second of it. Either way, I need to accept the fact that neither one of those outcomes affects my identity or purpose.

(Don't) Push it to the Limit

I haven't posted anything in so long! I think it is time for me to get back into the blogging world. Even if no one else reads these posts, I enjoy writing them. It also encourages me to keep moving forward in my journey with balance and moderation.

Today I am going to write about exercise- such a tricky subject! Running has always been my go to form of activity, but since suffering a severe stress fracture in my femur January of 2014, I have not been running. I also have refrained from running because my dietician does not approve of me doing so right now, even though it has been over a year.

I understood at first that I needed to heal my stress fracture. However, the reasons my RD had for me were different. I have a history of over doing it in the exercise department. I have used running in the past in negative ways. But, it has been my motivation many times to continue on my recovery journey, "if you get to a healthy weight you can run again." But every time I got to my healthy weight and started to run, I down spiraled. I became obsessed, having to run faster, longer, looking up running tips and races online. I wanted to be defined by running.

"This time will be different" I would say to myself every time I was allowed to start running. But it never was. My motivation for running always turned into - how many calories am I burning?/if I don't run I can't eat my snack, ect.

I have missed running so much lately, and I thought I was ready to start again. After a conversation with my RD though, I realized this might not be the case. I am currently going on walks (not runs) and that is even hard for me to contain. I admit that I have become a little obsessive about these walks. It is so incredibly hard for me to not think about exercising in an extreme way. I always want to go harder, longer. I truly think pushing my body to its limits is part of who I am, however, I realize that this has been detrimental to me in the past, and I need to be cautious of it.

I truly want to be able to run again without becoming obsessed about it or developing unhealthy habits. With my history, this is going to be a difficult thing to do., but I want so badly to work towards this goal. Contrary to my thoughts at the beginning of this week, I do not think I am at the point yet where I can start running again. For now, my focus will be on continuing to go walking, and trying to keep that in balance.

Workout Check..Am I Sore?

Growing up, I played on a competitive club soccer team. We traveled most weekends to compete in tournaments, where we would play two or three games a day. That is a lot of soccer. My favorite part of the weekend though, was the Monday morning after, barely able to get out of bed because my muscles ached from soreness. I enjoyed every second of walking to and from my classes at school, feeling the soreness in every step. My teammates loved it too. We would brag to each other how sore we were, trying to prove how hard we had worked. I clung to that feeling. I longed for that soreness. It made me feel accomplished. I knew I had really given it my all, and that I was a legitimate athlete if I was unable to walk properly the next day.

That mentality has stuck with me. I no longer have tournaments that force me to play three soccer games in one day, but when I work out, I want to be sore. If not, I think "I did not work hard enough. I didn't accomplish anything. I need to really increase my workout next time." FALSE. I am learning that soreness is not something to be coveted. It means I pushed my body out of its comfort zone, which is not always a bad thing, but expecting that to happen after every workout is unhealthy and crazy!

The article below explains the myth behind soreness=progress. I do not agree with the paragraph which encourages us to get into a body composition monitor, (just don't do that..not a good idea for anyone) but I like how the article explains how scientifically a lack of soreness in muscles does not mean your body did not reap benefits from the workout.

The cliche takeaway that I am still trying to convince myself of....Listen to your body! (whatever the heck that means)

http://thechalkboardmag.com/fit-or-fiction-the-truth-about-no-pain-no-gain