Hi, my name is...Runner?

Running. I have written before about how this has motivated my recovery in the past, especially in the beginning stages. I would look up races and training plans online; basically salivating over reading the miles I would run. However, I have lived for so long without it, that it hasn't been a pressing motivator, but rather, a thought in the back of my mind: "I am a runner. Eventually I will get back to running."

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my RD about it, and she was brutally honest with me. She told me she didn't think running was a good idea right now, and maybe not a good idea ever. I was shocked. What did she mean ever? This has always been the long term goal! Run half marathons. Be a runner.

She explained her concerns about how my Ed was so closely tied to running. And yes, I have recognized this and heard it (many times) before, but my counter argument has always been, "But I liked running before my eating disorder!"

She believed me and asked me a question I have been pondering since that day. "Do you really like to run or do you like the idea of running/being a runner?"

I was silent. I didn't know! Both..I think?! I began to journal and ask myself why I wanted to run. Since Ed had been my identity for so long and I no longer desired that, I think I latched onto the idea of swapping "girl with eating disorder" for "runner." Runners are crazy human beings who like to do something most people hate. It was a coveted identity (in my mind) for most people since it is associated with burning a high number of calories. I realized how similar wanting the 'runner' identity was to the Ed identity. Thinking it was special, above others, somehow superior (which is 100% false btw).

Something I have been told my entire life finally took hold: I do not need any identity outside of Christ. 

I am not going to pretend like this realization has made me forget about running. I still want to get back to running, without being obsessive about it......someday. But I do not need to make it my goal for life. Being a daughter of the King needs to be my sole/soul (get it?) focus.

I am working on accepting the fact that I might not be able to return to running without falling back into ed's grasps, and that is not worth the risk. If I never run again, I will be ok. That dream of running half marathons doesn't need to be my motivation to continue to be in recovery. I am in recovery because I was created to glorify my Creator!

Maybe in the future I will write a post about how I went running and hated it, or how I loved every second of it. Either way, I need to accept the fact that neither one of those outcomes affects my identity or purpose.

Calories, Calories, Everywhere!

The FDA is requiring all restaurant chains, convient stores and movie theaters to display the calorie content of their menu items beginning in November 2015. Some restuarants already do this, so it is not a new concept. However, my question is, is this a good idea? Will it promote healthier habits among Americans?

This article shows that in the past, calorie content has had no effect on consumers' decisions.

http://www.livescience.com/9306-nutrition-labels-menus-dont-alter-habits.html

In my opinion, posting solely calories on menus is not beneficial. As seen in the article above, it has had no effect on ordering habits in the past, and if it did change someone's mind about what to order, it is based only on calories! There is more to food that calorie content. What about the amount of protein? Omega 3 fatty acids? If calories are the deciding factor for a meal, then someone may order the iceburg lettuce salad-but gain absoletulty no nutrients! Avocado is higher in calories than lite mayo, but that doesn't make it healthier!

I believe people need to be more educated about nutrition and portion sizes, as well as listening to your body! If you go to a restuarant and order what your body truly wants, stopping when you are full, the numbers on the menu are not important.

Soul Food

I found this quote by Jeanne Ray, the author of Eat Cake, and I love everything about it:

“Cakes have gotten a bad rap. People equate virtue with turning down dessert. There is always one person at the table who holds up her hand when I serve the cake. No, really, I couldn’t she says, and then gives her flat stomach a conspiratorial little pat. Everyone who is pressing a fork into that first tender layer looks at the person who declined the plate, and they all think, That person is better than I am. That person has discipline. But that isn’t a person with discipline; that is a person who has completely lost touch with joy. A slice of cake never made anybody fat. You don’t eat the whole cake. You don’t eat a cake every day of your life. You take the cake when it is offered because the cake is delicious. You have a slice of cake and what it reminds you of is someplace that’s safe, uncomplicated, without stress. A cake is a party, a birthday, a wedding. A cake is what’s served on the happiest days of your life. This is a story of how my life was saved by cake, so, of course, if sides are to be taken, I will always take the side of cake.”
― Jeanne Ray

Society tells us eating dessert is a bad, sinful, and weak behavior. Refusing a gooey, warm chocolate chip cookie straight from the oven is seen as will-power, such an admirable quality. However, I wonder why such a delightful part of life has been given such a negative connotation? Perhaps it is because the concept of moderation (that cheesy, cliché word again) is foreign to most people. I will be the first to admit that I am not great with moderation. I am a very black and white thinker. The one at the table to refuse the cake, and to honestly think I might be more disciplined than those around me. I have discovered that this is completely false, as Jeanne Ray says, "But that isn't a person with discipline; that is a person who has completely lost touch with joy." 

I had a recent encounter with a slice of cake after lunch one day. 
My stomach was content; I did not feel physically hungry for more food. However, cake was this particular restaurant's specialty, and I was out with a friend who was in town from another state. We each ordered a piece, and it was absolutely divine. I felt guilty though. My stomach was not rumbling, so I did not feel justified in eating dessert. I needed to be reminded that cake is not something you eat to truly satisfy an appetite. It is something you eat for pleasure, for memory-making, for fun (and it is food, so it does give the body necessary energy!).Yes, I was full after eating the cake, but that is ok. I did not eat the whole cake, and I do not eat cake everyday. I ate it to celebrate life with my friend. 

I am fed up with being the guest who watches the thick, chocolate slices covered in rose-shaped buttercream frosting be savored and enjoyed by my friends. I am also tired of being the guest who eats the cake, but all the while longingly admires the guest who did not. I want to be the guest who eats the cake, enjoys the cake, and continues on with life. 

The One with the Fries

Last night I ate French fries with my dinner. And they were yummy. It has taken me a long time to be able to do something like this. A few years ago, I would not even look at a French fry, too scared of what consuming it would do to me. The mere thought of the amount of calories, fat, and sodium those little fried potatoes contained was enough to make me cry-literally. I went through a period of time where I could not understand why I needed to eat something as "unhealthy" as fries. If I can live without them, why should I put myself, my body, through such destruction? Yes, I could survive without touching a fry, and many people would probably give me a pat on the back and a "I wish I had your self-discipline!" But I have learned that restricting food does not make me have self-discipline, quite the opposite actually, it allows that food to have power over me. A French fry should not hold that much power in my life!

 I am not saying that today I am completely free of those thoughts, I was anxious about eating the fries, but the difference is that today I can challenge myself. I can eat the fries and realize that I will not gain weight, that I am ok, and that I do not need to workout execssively to make up for it. Does that mean that now I am going to eat an order of large fries everyday? Of course not! That would NOT be moderation, and no one would enjoy eating large quantities of fries everyday, if he or she is listening to one's body. I am however, going to let myself enjoy a serving of fries when I feel like it.

 The cliché motto that my entire blog is based on is "everything in moderation." I used to think this motto was cheesy and too good to be true, but actually putting it into practice has not led me astray (don't worry, I will be the first to let you know if it does).