Reality Check

While most of my posts are dedicated to the following topics: "F-YOU, ED!" or "RECOVERY IS AWESOME," today I am going to give myself a reality check about where I am currently.

I haven't fallen back into the grips of ED, but I also have not moved forward in quite some time. I tell myself that I can be doing "recovery" by checking off certain boxes: eating my meal plan, going to my appointments, etc,. However, after a hard Saturday last weekend I realized (well, it was pointed out to me) that I had been playing it very safe. Maybe I was eating all of my meal plan, but it was the same old foods. Yes, I would have my weekly desserts, but usually the same ones because somehow that had also become safe? 

After much contemplation (even though I already knew this in the back of my mind), I realize that I need to start challenging myself, not wait for my R.D. to call BS on me. I need to take control of my recovery and be pro-active in actually fighting ED, rather just coasting by in a state of "partial recovery," which I have been telling myself that I was way past. Reality check: I am not. Gotta keep up the good fight. 

Hi, my name is...Runner?

Running. I have written before about how this has motivated my recovery in the past, especially in the beginning stages. I would look up races and training plans online; basically salivating over reading the miles I would run. However, I have lived for so long without it, that it hasn't been a pressing motivator, but rather, a thought in the back of my mind: "I am a runner. Eventually I will get back to running."

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my RD about it, and she was brutally honest with me. She told me she didn't think running was a good idea right now, and maybe not a good idea ever. I was shocked. What did she mean ever? This has always been the long term goal! Run half marathons. Be a runner.

She explained her concerns about how my Ed was so closely tied to running. And yes, I have recognized this and heard it (many times) before, but my counter argument has always been, "But I liked running before my eating disorder!"

She believed me and asked me a question I have been pondering since that day. "Do you really like to run or do you like the idea of running/being a runner?"

I was silent. I didn't know! Both..I think?! I began to journal and ask myself why I wanted to run. Since Ed had been my identity for so long and I no longer desired that, I think I latched onto the idea of swapping "girl with eating disorder" for "runner." Runners are crazy human beings who like to do something most people hate. It was a coveted identity (in my mind) for most people since it is associated with burning a high number of calories. I realized how similar wanting the 'runner' identity was to the Ed identity. Thinking it was special, above others, somehow superior (which is 100% false btw).

Something I have been told my entire life finally took hold: I do not need any identity outside of Christ. 

I am not going to pretend like this realization has made me forget about running. I still want to get back to running, without being obsessive about it......someday. But I do not need to make it my goal for life. Being a daughter of the King needs to be my sole/soul (get it?) focus.

I am working on accepting the fact that I might not be able to return to running without falling back into ed's grasps, and that is not worth the risk. If I never run again, I will be ok. That dream of running half marathons doesn't need to be my motivation to continue to be in recovery. I am in recovery because I was created to glorify my Creator!

Maybe in the future I will write a post about how I went running and hated it, or how I loved every second of it. Either way, I need to accept the fact that neither one of those outcomes affects my identity or purpose.

A Whole New Light

I have recently come to a point where I am ok with the way my body looks. I have bad days, but overall I can say that I am mostly content. This amazing contentment was ruffled and hindered this past weekend when......I tried on a bathing suit. Suddenly the body I was ok with became appalling. I saw cellulite on my thighs, my stomach looked huge. The only part of me that I wasn't disgusted by was my arms. Which is ironic, because I often see my arms, in short sleeves, and are not that fond of them. I had a moment of panic. How do I fix this? What kind of food do I need to avoid/what new workout regiment do I need to begin to get rid of this cellulite?? But luckily I was able to reign in my thoughts, for the most part, and think about how even when I was extremely thin (sick) I was not happy with my body. Negative thoughts still lingered, but the next day I went shopping again in a different store. 

I saw myself in a new light (literally). The lighting in this dressing room was different. I no longer saw my body in the negative way I had the day before. The cellulite that was so prominent before wasn't even visible. I was ok with myself again. So, the lighting in a dressing room is going to determine my happiness? Definitely not. This just reinforced how I cannot trust what I see in the mirror. It can be distorted by my view point, the lighting, the clothing, everything! I need to focus on trusting my treatment team that I am at a healthy weight, learning to workout in a healthy way (for my heart/bones) and eating a balanced diet. That is what I need to be focused on for my recovery-not picking apart flaws that I can see only in certain lighting. 

This is a hard truth to accept, especially when everyone is talking about getting their "bikini body." But stay strong recovery warriors! Keep up the fight. 

Now What?

I haven't come right out and told my full story on this blog. I don't want to get into details, as the intention of this blog is to encourage others and aid in the fight to freedom, not discuss my past. I will say, however, that I have been in recovery from an eating disorder (on and off) for a long time. I have been coasting along for a few years now, physically healthy enough with ed behaviors under control to the point that I can live a rather normal life. But recently, after being confronted by my R.D., I was told I needed to make a decision. To decide if  a) this where I want to stay...content with holding onto ed a tiny bit, and stop seeing her because it is basically wasting my money. I know how to live this partially recovered life, I don't need her. or b) to commit to FULL recovery, a life that doesn't involve ed's lies at all. Full freedom.

I have been living in this semi-recovered state for about 4 years now, and it is 100% better than the previous 5+ years of my life, which were mere existence. It is, in fact, so much better that I find myself being content with it. Behaviors don't seem like that big of a deal: "If I measure my food, who cares? I mean I am not in a hospital bed anymore!" "So what if I freak out when I am full and restrict the next few meals? No biggie! Remember, I used to not really eat at all! " This dialogue within my mind does make some sense. I am doing tremendously well compared to those dark, dark days. But if I do not have to live with any ed at all, why would I?

This is the hard part. Technically, I could stop. I could keep on doing what I have been for the past few years;living stagnantly. Sure, I'll survive. Heck, I'll even live and might even be happy! But what if I keep pressing on? What if I keep working on kicking ed's butt, and don't have to measure my food? What if I don't have to restrict or freak out over dessert? What if I can actually eat what I want, and be ok? What if I can listen to my body? I know that these things are possible. I have met many who have overcome eating disorders. If it is possible, then why would I settle for anything less? Until this point in my life I have viewed recovery as doing enough to keep me independent and occasionally have some fun. Now, I am seeing that recovery can mean more. It can mean full freedom. Freedom that Jesus talks to us about in my favorite verse, my recovery verse: "He has come that we may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10