Hi, my name is...Runner?

Running. I have written before about how this has motivated my recovery in the past, especially in the beginning stages. I would look up races and training plans online; basically salivating over reading the miles I would run. However, I have lived for so long without it, that it hasn't been a pressing motivator, but rather, a thought in the back of my mind: "I am a runner. Eventually I will get back to running."

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my RD about it, and she was brutally honest with me. She told me she didn't think running was a good idea right now, and maybe not a good idea ever. I was shocked. What did she mean ever? This has always been the long term goal! Run half marathons. Be a runner.

She explained her concerns about how my Ed was so closely tied to running. And yes, I have recognized this and heard it (many times) before, but my counter argument has always been, "But I liked running before my eating disorder!"

She believed me and asked me a question I have been pondering since that day. "Do you really like to run or do you like the idea of running/being a runner?"

I was silent. I didn't know! Both..I think?! I began to journal and ask myself why I wanted to run. Since Ed had been my identity for so long and I no longer desired that, I think I latched onto the idea of swapping "girl with eating disorder" for "runner." Runners are crazy human beings who like to do something most people hate. It was a coveted identity (in my mind) for most people since it is associated with burning a high number of calories. I realized how similar wanting the 'runner' identity was to the Ed identity. Thinking it was special, above others, somehow superior (which is 100% false btw).

Something I have been told my entire life finally took hold: I do not need any identity outside of Christ. 

I am not going to pretend like this realization has made me forget about running. I still want to get back to running, without being obsessive about it......someday. But I do not need to make it my goal for life. Being a daughter of the King needs to be my sole/soul (get it?) focus.

I am working on accepting the fact that I might not be able to return to running without falling back into ed's grasps, and that is not worth the risk. If I never run again, I will be ok. That dream of running half marathons doesn't need to be my motivation to continue to be in recovery. I am in recovery because I was created to glorify my Creator!

Maybe in the future I will write a post about how I went running and hated it, or how I loved every second of it. Either way, I need to accept the fact that neither one of those outcomes affects my identity or purpose.

Workout Check..Am I Sore?

Growing up, I played on a competitive club soccer team. We traveled most weekends to compete in tournaments, where we would play two or three games a day. That is a lot of soccer. My favorite part of the weekend though, was the Monday morning after, barely able to get out of bed because my muscles ached from soreness. I enjoyed every second of walking to and from my classes at school, feeling the soreness in every step. My teammates loved it too. We would brag to each other how sore we were, trying to prove how hard we had worked. I clung to that feeling. I longed for that soreness. It made me feel accomplished. I knew I had really given it my all, and that I was a legitimate athlete if I was unable to walk properly the next day.

That mentality has stuck with me. I no longer have tournaments that force me to play three soccer games in one day, but when I work out, I want to be sore. If not, I think "I did not work hard enough. I didn't accomplish anything. I need to really increase my workout next time." FALSE. I am learning that soreness is not something to be coveted. It means I pushed my body out of its comfort zone, which is not always a bad thing, but expecting that to happen after every workout is unhealthy and crazy!

The article below explains the myth behind soreness=progress. I do not agree with the paragraph which encourages us to get into a body composition monitor, (just don't do that..not a good idea for anyone) but I like how the article explains how scientifically a lack of soreness in muscles does not mean your body did not reap benefits from the workout.

The cliche takeaway that I am still trying to convince myself of....Listen to your body! (whatever the heck that means)

http://thechalkboardmag.com/fit-or-fiction-the-truth-about-no-pain-no-gain