Now What?

I haven't come right out and told my full story on this blog. I don't want to get into details, as the intention of this blog is to encourage others and aid in the fight to freedom, not discuss my past. I will say, however, that I have been in recovery from an eating disorder (on and off) for a long time. I have been coasting along for a few years now, physically healthy enough with ed behaviors under control to the point that I can live a rather normal life. But recently, after being confronted by my R.D., I was told I needed to make a decision. To decide if  a) this where I want to stay...content with holding onto ed a tiny bit, and stop seeing her because it is basically wasting my money. I know how to live this partially recovered life, I don't need her. or b) to commit to FULL recovery, a life that doesn't involve ed's lies at all. Full freedom.

I have been living in this semi-recovered state for about 4 years now, and it is 100% better than the previous 5+ years of my life, which were mere existence. It is, in fact, so much better that I find myself being content with it. Behaviors don't seem like that big of a deal: "If I measure my food, who cares? I mean I am not in a hospital bed anymore!" "So what if I freak out when I am full and restrict the next few meals? No biggie! Remember, I used to not really eat at all! " This dialogue within my mind does make some sense. I am doing tremendously well compared to those dark, dark days. But if I do not have to live with any ed at all, why would I?

This is the hard part. Technically, I could stop. I could keep on doing what I have been for the past few years;living stagnantly. Sure, I'll survive. Heck, I'll even live and might even be happy! But what if I keep pressing on? What if I keep working on kicking ed's butt, and don't have to measure my food? What if I don't have to restrict or freak out over dessert? What if I can actually eat what I want, and be ok? What if I can listen to my body? I know that these things are possible. I have met many who have overcome eating disorders. If it is possible, then why would I settle for anything less? Until this point in my life I have viewed recovery as doing enough to keep me independent and occasionally have some fun. Now, I am seeing that recovery can mean more. It can mean full freedom. Freedom that Jesus talks to us about in my favorite verse, my recovery verse: "He has come that we may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10