Now What?

I haven't come right out and told my full story on this blog. I don't want to get into details, as the intention of this blog is to encourage others and aid in the fight to freedom, not discuss my past. I will say, however, that I have been in recovery from an eating disorder (on and off) for a long time. I have been coasting along for a few years now, physically healthy enough with ed behaviors under control to the point that I can live a rather normal life. But recently, after being confronted by my R.D., I was told I needed to make a decision. To decide if  a) this where I want to stay...content with holding onto ed a tiny bit, and stop seeing her because it is basically wasting my money. I know how to live this partially recovered life, I don't need her. or b) to commit to FULL recovery, a life that doesn't involve ed's lies at all. Full freedom.

I have been living in this semi-recovered state for about 4 years now, and it is 100% better than the previous 5+ years of my life, which were mere existence. It is, in fact, so much better that I find myself being content with it. Behaviors don't seem like that big of a deal: "If I measure my food, who cares? I mean I am not in a hospital bed anymore!" "So what if I freak out when I am full and restrict the next few meals? No biggie! Remember, I used to not really eat at all! " This dialogue within my mind does make some sense. I am doing tremendously well compared to those dark, dark days. But if I do not have to live with any ed at all, why would I?

This is the hard part. Technically, I could stop. I could keep on doing what I have been for the past few years;living stagnantly. Sure, I'll survive. Heck, I'll even live and might even be happy! But what if I keep pressing on? What if I keep working on kicking ed's butt, and don't have to measure my food? What if I don't have to restrict or freak out over dessert? What if I can actually eat what I want, and be ok? What if I can listen to my body? I know that these things are possible. I have met many who have overcome eating disorders. If it is possible, then why would I settle for anything less? Until this point in my life I have viewed recovery as doing enough to keep me independent and occasionally have some fun. Now, I am seeing that recovery can mean more. It can mean full freedom. Freedom that Jesus talks to us about in my favorite verse, my recovery verse: "He has come that we may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

My (humble) opinion on eating clean

Eating "clean" is a philosophy that has taken off in the past year or so. Eating "whole"(minimally processed) foods is what this phrase means, and it has gained quite a following. Many will disagree with me on the subject, but, different strokes for different folks.

The idea of "detoxing" your body is so appealing. Cutting out all those nasty toxins, like sugar, makes me feel healthier just typing it! Hearing this phrase, one immediately thinks of a drug addict detoxing from harmful drugs. With that picture in your mind it seems crucial that you get those toxins out-now! Who would want to live with dirty, poisonous sugar inside them?! The problem with this philosophy is that it wrongly assigns adjectives to food that simply do not make sense. Food cannot be clean or dirty (unless you dropped it in the mud). And along with "clean" comes a sense of holiness, correctness, better than you-ness. It gives one a sense of pride. To be able to say "I got serious about my health and started eating really clean," is a version of "I am better person because of what I (don't) eat," which is a common misconception in our society today.

 Idolizing fitness and food is something our culture does, but doesn't seem to realize as idolatry. Many sins are praised and encouraged, but this is a sneaky one that seeps through the cracks. It is easy to combat by saying we need to take care of our bodies, "our bodies are a temple," which is true, but no where do I see, "deny your body of dirty food so that you can be a better person."

God gave us taste buds. He gave us the ability to eat and enjoy food for energy. We could be like plants, we could engage in photosynthesis. But no. We get to eat food! Glorious food! In order to fuel our bodies, which are meant to be for His service, food is needed!

Food is not good or bad. It does not have the power to make you clean or dirty. It cannot make you a good or bad person. I believe in eating healthily and taking care of your body in order to serve our Creator, and I believe that being able to taste the rich buttercream frosting on your grandmother's chocolate cake is a blessing.

Is strong the new skinny?

I have read/seen multiple articles lately about how the trendy "strong is the new skinny" motto isn't actually a step in the right direction when it comes to body image. I thought, being healthy and toned is a good thing right?

While on Pinterest this past week, I stumbled upon many "fitness inspiration" posters. These posters featured an extremely toned woman with captions such as, "It's not always easy, but it's always worth it," and "Suck it up and one day you won't have to suck it in," as well as "Don't eat (name of awesome food)" etc... I then decided to search for the "bad" thinspiration (I am only putting 'bad' in quotes to compare it to the fitness motivation posters; the irony of how they consider those acceptable. I DO think thinspiration is 'bad'). When I typed "thinspiration" into the search box, this came up at the top of the page,

"Eating disorders are not lifestyle choices, they are mental disorders that if left untreated can cause serious health problems or could even be life-threatening. For treatment referrals, information, and support, you can always contact the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline..."

nevertheless, "thinspiration" quotes appeared below it, these featuring emaciated women, with protruding bones. But, my point is that these two "inspirations" are honestly not that different. While one is seemingly promoting a "healthy" body image - it's really not. It is saying "do whatever it takes to look like this, because that is what is important in life." It is saying "push yourself to the extreme and never touch a dessert because that will prove you are better." Well, I have done that. I have pushed myself with a version of "It's not always easy, but it's always worth it," running through my head. I decided (past tense!) to never touch certain foods. Along with those decisions came...nothing. No fruit to bear. Whether it is obsessing over being toned and fit, or just being skinny, it is still an obsession. It becomes your entire life, leaving no room for actual LIVING.  

So, do not be fooled with this seemingly "healthy" twist on "thinspiration." Focus on living a whole, balanced, and full life (which I am saying to myself as well). 

Sugar? Yes, please.

If I see one more article/post about "cutting sugar from your diet" I am going to SCREAM. Why this has become such a fad, I am not sure, but it is driving me crazy.

Biochemist Leah Fitzsimmons, of the University of Birmingham in the UK, told The Daily Mail last year:

"Cutting all sugar from your diet would be very difficult to achieve. Fruits, vegetables, dairy products and dairy replacements, eggs, alcohol and nuts all contain sugar, which would leave you with little other than meat and fats to eat - definitely not very healthy."

Once again, it is proven that completely eliminating something from your diet is not healthy (I know sugar is not a food group, it is found in so many nutritious things, it still applies in this situation).

I think this is a good reminder for people to remember that food IS meant to be fuel for your body, BUT it is also meant to be ENJOYED. It a gift from God to be able to eat and enjoy food. I am not saying eat as much sugar as you can/want all the time. I am saying, once (well, more than once) again, that everything in moderation is the key.

"There's a role for sugar in our diet. After all, what's the point of being healthy if it's not to enjoy living?"-Dr. David Katz, director of the Prevention Research Center at Yale University in New Haven, CT. 

(Don't) Push it to the Limit

I haven't posted anything in so long! I think it is time for me to get back into the blogging world. Even if no one else reads these posts, I enjoy writing them. It also encourages me to keep moving forward in my journey with balance and moderation.

Today I am going to write about exercise- such a tricky subject! Running has always been my go to form of activity, but since suffering a severe stress fracture in my femur January of 2014, I have not been running. I also have refrained from running because my dietician does not approve of me doing so right now, even though it has been over a year.

I understood at first that I needed to heal my stress fracture. However, the reasons my RD had for me were different. I have a history of over doing it in the exercise department. I have used running in the past in negative ways. But, it has been my motivation many times to continue on my recovery journey, "if you get to a healthy weight you can run again." But every time I got to my healthy weight and started to run, I down spiraled. I became obsessed, having to run faster, longer, looking up running tips and races online. I wanted to be defined by running.

"This time will be different" I would say to myself every time I was allowed to start running. But it never was. My motivation for running always turned into - how many calories am I burning?/if I don't run I can't eat my snack, ect.

I have missed running so much lately, and I thought I was ready to start again. After a conversation with my RD though, I realized this might not be the case. I am currently going on walks (not runs) and that is even hard for me to contain. I admit that I have become a little obsessive about these walks. It is so incredibly hard for me to not think about exercising in an extreme way. I always want to go harder, longer. I truly think pushing my body to its limits is part of who I am, however, I realize that this has been detrimental to me in the past, and I need to be cautious of it.

I truly want to be able to run again without becoming obsessed about it or developing unhealthy habits. With my history, this is going to be a difficult thing to do., but I want so badly to work towards this goal. Contrary to my thoughts at the beginning of this week, I do not think I am at the point yet where I can start running again. For now, my focus will be on continuing to go walking, and trying to keep that in balance.

Fight On

I began this blog with good intentions. I wanted to tell people that it was ok to eat anything in moderation. However, I was not ok with eating anything in moderation. I still had foods that I would not touch. Foods that scared me just by looking at them. These past few weeks I have been pushed FAR out of my comfort zone, and it has been very difficult, but also eye-opening and exciting. 

I posted about eating fries a few months ago. At that time, eating a few fries was a big deal for me and it was a great step in the right direction, but only having a few fries a few times a year would not lead me to the freedom I hoped for. I needed to be pushed, and I was. BIG TIME. My dietitian decided I would be having 2 desserts a week, and not compensating with safe foods the rest of the time. Terrifying is an understatement. I did not want to do this! After about two weeks of going back and forth in my head, I decided that I would try this thing... my qualified dietitian had no reason to screw me over, right? 

When I finally decided to trust her, and follow my meal plan 100%, it was not easy. I wanted to restrict and go back to my old habits, but I fought hard with the voices in my head and continued to follow my plan. I remember the first week I ate everything on my meal plan, including the two extra desserts, and went to my RD appointment. I was so nervous that I had gained an obscene amount of weight...I hadn't. My weight had not moved. How on earth was this possible? Was it true that I could eat things in moderation without gaining weight? I had consumed multiple foods I wasn't comfortable with over the course of the weekend...candy on top of frozen yogurt, a panini, a cookie, French toast! The key here is the moderation part, once again. Like my RD said, she wasn't telling me to eat three cookies after lunch, just one. I wasn't supposed to eat multiple plates of French toast. Now, this doesn't mean that I ate half a piece of French toast or a bite of a cookie. I ate a normal portion, and was full afterward. Moderation does not mean deprivation.

This past weekend was probably the most challenging, but liberating one yet. I ate a burger and drank a milkshake. In one sitting. I survived to tell the tale, and I also look the same. The hardest part about this challenge was the next day. I so badly wanted to restrict, and I felt guilty. But something my RD often tells me stuck in my head...  thinking I need to restrict and feeling guilty implies that I did something wrong. I did nothing wrong! My dietitian planned that meal for me. No, I am not going to eat that everyday, but it was ok to have! My weight did not skyrocket and I still need to feed my body my normal amount, no compensating! I am still struggling with thoughts about this meal, but I will not let Ed convince me I did something wrong. I will follow my meal plan 100% today. I will fight on. 

Calories, Calories, Everywhere!

The FDA is requiring all restaurant chains, convient stores and movie theaters to display the calorie content of their menu items beginning in November 2015. Some restuarants already do this, so it is not a new concept. However, my question is, is this a good idea? Will it promote healthier habits among Americans?

This article shows that in the past, calorie content has had no effect on consumers' decisions.

http://www.livescience.com/9306-nutrition-labels-menus-dont-alter-habits.html

In my opinion, posting solely calories on menus is not beneficial. As seen in the article above, it has had no effect on ordering habits in the past, and if it did change someone's mind about what to order, it is based only on calories! There is more to food that calorie content. What about the amount of protein? Omega 3 fatty acids? If calories are the deciding factor for a meal, then someone may order the iceburg lettuce salad-but gain absoletulty no nutrients! Avocado is higher in calories than lite mayo, but that doesn't make it healthier!

I believe people need to be more educated about nutrition and portion sizes, as well as listening to your body! If you go to a restuarant and order what your body truly wants, stopping when you are full, the numbers on the menu are not important.