What A Concept!

I have never reached this point in recovery before. I have been at this weight before, even a higher weight, but I have NEVER had the mindset I currently have.

I used to think being weight restored was equal to being recovered. I have thought back to the times I left treatment in my new, healthy body, but with a not so healthy mindset.

This is the first time in my entire life that I can say my body and my mind are on the same page. I ate a cheeseburger last week (not planned) and I didn't spend the next few days worried about it. I didn't even spend the next few minutes! I literally ate the burger and moved on with my life. What a concept!

Now, I have eaten cheeseburgers before, but this is the first time that I wasn't cringing inside thinking about the calories I was consuming or how I would "pay" for it later. I am free.

I never in my life thought I would be writing these words. Recovery is possible, my friends. Keep fighting.

Real Recovery

I've written this before, many times actually. The difference is this time my motives have changed.
Been in a quasi- recovery stage for about 2 years now. I am now (terrifyingly) breaking free from that mindset. My motivation is no longer to run a half marathon. It is no longer to get to where I "should be" so that I can go back to how I was.

After YEARS of Ed,  (a few recovery oriented ones, many half-assed recovery ones), this is it. THE END. Goodbye.

I want to focus on eating food that tastes good to me. In the past, I longed to be very "healthy" in my recovery.That inst in itself, a bad thing, but in my case it was (is)...because I cannot think of food in terms of healthy or not healthy. I have done that much too long. Food needs to just be food. It can hold no more power than that in my life.


I am trying what I call "real recovery." Where I eat food that normal people eat, not "coconut oil, almond spent grain refined organic flour" bullshit. That stuff is hard to find, hard to make, and honestly not worth my time, when in reality there is little difference between eating peanut butter and "organic almond spread."

I am also thinking about how I want my future children to view eating/food/exercsie. I want them to eat nourishing foods, but ultimately not really care! Nutrition has taken such as forefront in our society that it is no longer healthy! It is about being "good" and "bad" and "guilty" and all these other emotions that have no place among food!

I read a story the other week about a mom who fired a babysitter because she took the kids out to eat and let them order a hamburger. Yes, (sadly) I am serious.
If I want my future children to have a normal relationship with food and exercise, then I have to have a normal relationship with food and exercise!

So, here's to real recovery. Real ice cream (no thanks, Halo Top), and oh yeah, CAULIFLOWER ISN'T RICE.

My Tribe?

Tribe. I've heard this phrase used many times in the past couple of years. "Ladies, it is so important to have a tribe. A group of women you can trust, hang out with, be real with- your people."

The term may be new, but the concept isn't. It is something I have struggled with since elementary school. Having my "group." Ok, let's be honest, my "clique." I  have always desperately wanted to have a group of friends to whom I belonged. It didn't become problematic for me until high school. With Ed's help (or course), I started to doubt myself. Was I really "in" this group of friends? When people referred to this group (I'll spare you the cliche high school name of it), I always questioned whether or not I was included. Because of Ed I missed out on a lot of fun times with my friends in high school. This was quickly twisted and turned into "you don't have friends; you are an outsider." 

When I went to college things were different. I found my "tribe"! For once, I truly felt like I was a crucial part of a friend group.

Three years out of college my life has changed quite a bit. Even though I still live in the same city as a few of my college friends, we aren't' as close as we used to be. I am not sure if that is because I am in a different stage of life than they are, or because of something else. Regardless, I have been struggling. I have a few new friends that I love, but my college friends should be the ones that are in my wedding, the ones I go to in times of trouble.... right? Maybe not.

As I grow up, I am learning that not all friendships last a lifetime. There are a few that will and praise God for those! However, sometimes friendships are great, true friendships, but aren't meant to last forever. There are certain people in your life at certain times for certain reasons. I am not saying you shouldn't try to keep up with people or continue to foster relationships, because it takes quite a bit of effort to have ANY friends in the adult world! But growing up sometimes means growing apart, and that is ok. It doesn't make the times you shared together any less valuable.

Maybe a tribe is important, but it doesn't mean you have one "tribe" for your entire life, or that a tribe has to be a group of 3 or more women doing yoga together. I think the point is having one or more people in your life who you can be completely real with, no hiding or holding back. Right now, that person is my mom, and I think that is perfectly acceptable.

I'm not writing this to bash the strong groups of friends that I know exist. If you have that- I am sincerely happy for you. I am writing it for those, like me, who have struggled to find that sense of belonging.

Reality Check

While most of my posts are dedicated to the following topics: "F-YOU, ED!" or "RECOVERY IS AWESOME," today I am going to give myself a reality check about where I am currently.

I haven't fallen back into the grips of ED, but I also have not moved forward in quite some time. I tell myself that I can be doing "recovery" by checking off certain boxes: eating my meal plan, going to my appointments, etc,. However, after a hard Saturday last weekend I realized (well, it was pointed out to me) that I had been playing it very safe. Maybe I was eating all of my meal plan, but it was the same old foods. Yes, I would have my weekly desserts, but usually the same ones because somehow that had also become safe? 

After much contemplation (even though I already knew this in the back of my mind), I realize that I need to start challenging myself, not wait for my R.D. to call BS on me. I need to take control of my recovery and be pro-active in actually fighting ED, rather just coasting by in a state of "partial recovery," which I have been telling myself that I was way past. Reality check: I am not. Gotta keep up the good fight. 

I No Longer Want You, ED

This past weekend I went a trip with my church. I only knew a few people, so I was a little nervous about it. However, one girl that I did know (as in met a few weeks ago, so didnt really know) went on a walk with me Saturday afternoon.

It started out pretty casual, then got into relationship discussion and from there it started to get deep. She shared about her past relationship, which was is a huge part of her story. We slowly breached the subject of counseling and before I knew it we were both telling our stories of ED.

I have talked about my ED with other women who have struggled before, but I have always been the one looking for guidance, listening to the advice (outside of residential treatment). For the first time I was the one farther along in my recovery.

In the past this would have fed ED (ironic, I know). I can almost see myself preaching recovery to this girl, then immediately planning out a new diet and workout regimen in order to be "behind her" in recovery. How stupid that sounds now!- but with ED, it's a competition. He wants to be number 1, and wants you to be the number 1 anorexic.

This time was different though. I talked with her and encouraged her and I felt strong afterwards. I felt solid in my recovery. I did not desire to be where she was in her relationship with ED. I truly wanted her to fight ED because ED is a demon! Not because I wanted her to get better so that I could claim the anorexia crown (as before).

It was a moment of freedom.

Not (only) about Body Image

Body image is (obviously) an issue for those suffering from eating disorders, but I think the media portrays it to be a more prominent factor than it truly is. I will give "them" credit for saying there is an underlying issue most of the time-but the majority of information/articles/TV shows/portrayals of eating disorders etc., focus on a person just obsessing over their body.

While this is true to an extent- I know in my experience there came a point where I no longer focused on my body. Of course I didn't want to gain weight, I am not saying that, but I was no longer restricting my food intake to become thinner. I was refusing to give my body nourishment because mentally I could not do it. I could not even handle the thought of consuming calories; the thought of my stomach feeling full, and not because of the effect it would have on my weight but because my brain told me it was not ok.

Many times in the beginning of my recovery I  remember wanting so badly to be able to just eat!-but I couldn't. I couldn't because I was sick. My brain was not well. This is where I think many people get confused. They think anorexia is a diet that went too far-and yes, that is usually how it starts, but a mental illness is not something you can just "get from dieting." It is a disease.

A disease where you literally look at yourself in the mirror and see something different from reality. A disease that tells you to ignore your body's natural cues. A disease that controls every.single. thing. you do.

It is not just an obsession over being thin. It is not just a diet gone wrong. It is serious mental disorder.

Free Time

Work has been slow the past week or two, and besides a few social activities on weekends I have not been very busy in general. Being bored is very tough for me. When I was not doing well (AKA struggling with Ed severely) I was never bored. My mind and body were constantly occupied with Ed. Either working out, thinking about working out, reading fitness/diet magazines, thinking about food/wondering through the grocery store to look at food, looking up calories online (sometimes of restaurants I had not even heard of before.... just because it would be nice to know what foods to avoid if I ever was faced with such a terrible situation).

That was one thing the eating disorder gave to me-I always had something to be working on, a reason to keep going...because what was life besides running and calories? 

Being on the recovery side of ed, I look back at my old self and cannot believe how I filled my time. Was looking at calories from restaurants in California really what I did for 2 hours on a Saturday? Even if I do not have lavish plans on the weekend now, I would  never want to do that activity again! One of the many perks of recovery is that you get to choose how you want to spend your time (opposed to Ed choosing for you). However, it's hard when almost all of your previous free time activities are Ed related...

Instead of exercising (beyond what I am allowed), I have recently begun journaling again, a habit I really got into during my stays at treatment when free time was frequent and behaviors were not an option. I have found that writing makes me feel tremendously better. Even if I am in a good place, writing soothes me.

My new routine is to go to Starbucks, order my iced coffee with extra soy milk, now that it's cold outside I'll probably switch it up to a cinnamon dolce latte :), and settle in for an hour or so of writing. 

I used to think writing without a real purpose or without something significant to say was childish. I have since changed my outlook completely.

I realized that the act of writing, whether it is about a sweater or life and death is important, for me at least. Every sentence doesn't need to be a breathtaking string of extravagant words. I can write whatever I want because there are no rules.

Now I might simply write about my day-the mundane meetings I had at work or something really exciting at work like seeing caramel flavored creamer at the coffee bar (yes, this is exciting).Other days may be more intense and I'll find myself filling the pages with emotion and adjectives I didn't even know that I knew!

Realizing my enjoyment of writing makes me wonder what else I really enjoy doing - things that are not just what Ed has told me to like. Discovering my real interests is a step in recovery that I haven't taken thus far. Unoccupied time has been dictated by Ed for far too long. I am excited to learn what Julie enjoys doing in her free time.

Hi, my name is...Runner?

Running. I have written before about how this has motivated my recovery in the past, especially in the beginning stages. I would look up races and training plans online; basically salivating over reading the miles I would run. However, I have lived for so long without it, that it hasn't been a pressing motivator, but rather, a thought in the back of my mind: "I am a runner. Eventually I will get back to running."

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my RD about it, and she was brutally honest with me. She told me she didn't think running was a good idea right now, and maybe not a good idea ever. I was shocked. What did she mean ever? This has always been the long term goal! Run half marathons. Be a runner.

She explained her concerns about how my Ed was so closely tied to running. And yes, I have recognized this and heard it (many times) before, but my counter argument has always been, "But I liked running before my eating disorder!"

She believed me and asked me a question I have been pondering since that day. "Do you really like to run or do you like the idea of running/being a runner?"

I was silent. I didn't know! Both..I think?! I began to journal and ask myself why I wanted to run. Since Ed had been my identity for so long and I no longer desired that, I think I latched onto the idea of swapping "girl with eating disorder" for "runner." Runners are crazy human beings who like to do something most people hate. It was a coveted identity (in my mind) for most people since it is associated with burning a high number of calories. I realized how similar wanting the 'runner' identity was to the Ed identity. Thinking it was special, above others, somehow superior (which is 100% false btw).

Something I have been told my entire life finally took hold: I do not need any identity outside of Christ. 

I am not going to pretend like this realization has made me forget about running. I still want to get back to running, without being obsessive about it......someday. But I do not need to make it my goal for life. Being a daughter of the King needs to be my sole/soul (get it?) focus.

I am working on accepting the fact that I might not be able to return to running without falling back into ed's grasps, and that is not worth the risk. If I never run again, I will be ok. That dream of running half marathons doesn't need to be my motivation to continue to be in recovery. I am in recovery because I was created to glorify my Creator!

Maybe in the future I will write a post about how I went running and hated it, or how I loved every second of it. Either way, I need to accept the fact that neither one of those outcomes affects my identity or purpose.

I Thought It Was No Biggie

The past few weeks have been a little rough. Ed has been loud, but I have been blowing it off. Telling myself it's no big deal. I have been kind of "winging" recovery for the past few months. I haven't been creating a detailed meal plan to go over with my R.D. each week. I just know my exchanges and try to meet my plan 100%. Try is the keyword here. If I miss a snack I  just tell myself not to worry about it! I can eat more at dinner or snack or later on that night. But that hasn't always been happening. I've become rather lax about my meal plan, which is good on one hand-not being obsessive over it-but negative on the other because if I do not care, I usually don't meet my meal plan needs.

I am not in a terrible downward spiral or anything, but I realized last night that blowing off recovery IS a big deal. 

I made dinner for the guy I am dating and myself last night.... lasagna roll ups (delish btw)! After dinner we were watching TV and he got a chocolate bar from the freezer. He broke off two squares and gave one to me. I ate a tiny bite and gave it back to him. He said, "Eat that whole thing. That is nothing." I thought about it, but I just could not do it. I was planning to go home and have my planned night snack, and if I ate this piece of chocolate I would not be able to have my snack, would I? I didn't want to risk messing up/over doing it. So, I told him I couldn't. After a few comments back and forth he said, "This is going to be a problem for us." That hit me. I had been thinking I was fine! Since Ed wasn't controlling my life anymore, I thought I was completely fine! But when he said that, I realized Ed was still an issue. I had put the thought of "full recovery" on the back burner, thinking this was as good as it was gonna get. FALSE. My little ed habits getting in the way of my relationship? I DO NOT WANT THAT. 

Last night was a wake-up call. One I needed. No, I am not dying on a hospital bed but that doesn't mean I can put recovery on the back burner, 

ED is Not Special

A few weeks ago, I went on a weekend trip with friends. I had a great time. It wasn't until after it was over that I realized how far I have come in recovery. I think it was more of a realization of how AWFUL my life (couldn't even really be called a life) was with ED.

I ate (and enjoyed) unplanned meals with my friends. Foods that were prepared by others, foods that I had not measured, and foods that certainly were not on my safe list. I'm not going to say I didn't have some anxiety, and ED was screaming at me, but I shut him down. He no longer dictates my actions. 

Thinking about the normal things I am now able to do, things that don't even seem like a big deal until I compare them to my past, I am shocked and saddened. It is hard for me to believe that I used to be that shell of a person.

I think the biggest lie I bought into for far too long was that ED was special, and that he was MINE. I was the girl with the self-control;the eating disorder that kept me skinny and safe and untouchable. Competition lurked everywhere. Is she skinnier? Why isn't she eating dessert? I was obsessed with making sure that ED only belonged to me. Even during my multiple  treatment stays the fact that ED wasn't solely mine didn't click. I accepted those in treatment as my ED equals, but anyone in my "real life" could NOT take that away from me. 

It wasn't until late in my college career that I started to realize how big of a lie that truly is. I saw so many people struggling with ED that he was no longer able to convince me that I was his only friend (captive). 

ED IS NOT SPECIAL and ED IS NOT MINE. 

The eating disorder literally destroys life-physically and mentally. In the depths of the disorder, I was so sick that I could not see how I had been taken away. The staff at my last treatment center told me how my voice even changed as I started to get better. 

I am thankful I can now see beyond the lies. 

A Whole New Light

I have recently come to a point where I am ok with the way my body looks. I have bad days, but overall I can say that I am mostly content. This amazing contentment was ruffled and hindered this past weekend when......I tried on a bathing suit. Suddenly the body I was ok with became appalling. I saw cellulite on my thighs, my stomach looked huge. The only part of me that I wasn't disgusted by was my arms. Which is ironic, because I often see my arms, in short sleeves, and are not that fond of them. I had a moment of panic. How do I fix this? What kind of food do I need to avoid/what new workout regiment do I need to begin to get rid of this cellulite?? But luckily I was able to reign in my thoughts, for the most part, and think about how even when I was extremely thin (sick) I was not happy with my body. Negative thoughts still lingered, but the next day I went shopping again in a different store. 

I saw myself in a new light (literally). The lighting in this dressing room was different. I no longer saw my body in the negative way I had the day before. The cellulite that was so prominent before wasn't even visible. I was ok with myself again. So, the lighting in a dressing room is going to determine my happiness? Definitely not. This just reinforced how I cannot trust what I see in the mirror. It can be distorted by my view point, the lighting, the clothing, everything! I need to focus on trusting my treatment team that I am at a healthy weight, learning to workout in a healthy way (for my heart/bones) and eating a balanced diet. That is what I need to be focused on for my recovery-not picking apart flaws that I can see only in certain lighting. 

This is a hard truth to accept, especially when everyone is talking about getting their "bikini body." But stay strong recovery warriors! Keep up the fight. 

Jar of Hearts

I used to be very hesitant speaking about my struggles with eating in the past. That had been my identity for so long that I needed distance. I needed to be known as ME-not the girl with the ED. I am not super open about it now, but the further I get into recovery, the more I realize that it can be helpful for me and those struggling to share my experiences. It keeps me in a recovery oriented mind set and could encourage others.

I do not, however, think it is beneficial to anyone EVER to share specific behaviors, weight, calories- anything that could be latched onto as a comparison tool (just needed to make that clear).

This past weekend I drove to Nashville to meet up with some of my friends from treatment to do the NEDA walk. Driving up alone, I was able to reflect on my recovery thus far. No, things are not perfect and I still have a ways to go, but they are the best they have ever been since ED entered my life.

The last treatment center I went to in 2011, we had a fire and burned things that could potentially keep us holding onto ED. Mostly clothes. I burned multiple pairs of jeans. During this ritual I played the song "Jar of Hearts." Every lyric in that song spoke to me-it was my relationship with ED. Except one line of the song I didn't agree with: "I wish I had missed the first that we kissed." Even in treatment burning my old jeans, I didn't wish I had never met ED. I still was thankful he had come into my life and "made me skinny." WOAH, WHAT? That is such a disordered ED thought! Yet, that is how I felt until literally this past Saturday driving up to Nashville. I listened to "Jar of Hearts" and belted those words loud and proud, "I WISH I HAD MISSED THE FIRST TIME THAT WE KISSED!"

This was the first time in my entire life that I saw ED as the complete enemy. He has done nothing good for me at all! He destroyed my life. I didn't get skinny because of him. I got sick. I almost died. I missed so much LIFE. And only by the grace of God was I given the opportunity to go to treatment and have an awesome outpatient team that has helped me come so far.

I feel like this past weekend was one of realization for me. ED is glorified in our society and I bought into that idea, even in recovery. No more will I be fooled.

Now What?

I haven't come right out and told my full story on this blog. I don't want to get into details, as the intention of this blog is to encourage others and aid in the fight to freedom, not discuss my past. I will say, however, that I have been in recovery from an eating disorder (on and off) for a long time. I have been coasting along for a few years now, physically healthy enough with ed behaviors under control to the point that I can live a rather normal life. But recently, after being confronted by my R.D., I was told I needed to make a decision. To decide if  a) this where I want to stay...content with holding onto ed a tiny bit, and stop seeing her because it is basically wasting my money. I know how to live this partially recovered life, I don't need her. or b) to commit to FULL recovery, a life that doesn't involve ed's lies at all. Full freedom.

I have been living in this semi-recovered state for about 4 years now, and it is 100% better than the previous 5+ years of my life, which were mere existence. It is, in fact, so much better that I find myself being content with it. Behaviors don't seem like that big of a deal: "If I measure my food, who cares? I mean I am not in a hospital bed anymore!" "So what if I freak out when I am full and restrict the next few meals? No biggie! Remember, I used to not really eat at all! " This dialogue within my mind does make some sense. I am doing tremendously well compared to those dark, dark days. But if I do not have to live with any ed at all, why would I?

This is the hard part. Technically, I could stop. I could keep on doing what I have been for the past few years;living stagnantly. Sure, I'll survive. Heck, I'll even live and might even be happy! But what if I keep pressing on? What if I keep working on kicking ed's butt, and don't have to measure my food? What if I don't have to restrict or freak out over dessert? What if I can actually eat what I want, and be ok? What if I can listen to my body? I know that these things are possible. I have met many who have overcome eating disorders. If it is possible, then why would I settle for anything less? Until this point in my life I have viewed recovery as doing enough to keep me independent and occasionally have some fun. Now, I am seeing that recovery can mean more. It can mean full freedom. Freedom that Jesus talks to us about in my favorite verse, my recovery verse: "He has come that we may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

My (humble) opinion on eating clean

Eating "clean" is a philosophy that has taken off in the past year or so. Eating "whole"(minimally processed) foods is what this phrase means, and it has gained quite a following. Many will disagree with me on the subject, but, different strokes for different folks.

The idea of "detoxing" your body is so appealing. Cutting out all those nasty toxins, like sugar, makes me feel healthier just typing it! Hearing this phrase, one immediately thinks of a drug addict detoxing from harmful drugs. With that picture in your mind it seems crucial that you get those toxins out-now! Who would want to live with dirty, poisonous sugar inside them?! The problem with this philosophy is that it wrongly assigns adjectives to food that simply do not make sense. Food cannot be clean or dirty (unless you dropped it in the mud). And along with "clean" comes a sense of holiness, correctness, better than you-ness. It gives one a sense of pride. To be able to say "I got serious about my health and started eating really clean," is a version of "I am better person because of what I (don't) eat," which is a common misconception in our society today.

 Idolizing fitness and food is something our culture does, but doesn't seem to realize as idolatry. Many sins are praised and encouraged, but this is a sneaky one that seeps through the cracks. It is easy to combat by saying we need to take care of our bodies, "our bodies are a temple," which is true, but no where do I see, "deny your body of dirty food so that you can be a better person."

God gave us taste buds. He gave us the ability to eat and enjoy food for energy. We could be like plants, we could engage in photosynthesis. But no. We get to eat food! Glorious food! In order to fuel our bodies, which are meant to be for His service, food is needed!

Food is not good or bad. It does not have the power to make you clean or dirty. It cannot make you a good or bad person. I believe in eating healthily and taking care of your body in order to serve our Creator, and I believe that being able to taste the rich buttercream frosting on your grandmother's chocolate cake is a blessing.

Is strong the new skinny?

I have read/seen multiple articles lately about how the trendy "strong is the new skinny" motto isn't actually a step in the right direction when it comes to body image. I thought, being healthy and toned is a good thing right?

While on Pinterest this past week, I stumbled upon many "fitness inspiration" posters. These posters featured an extremely toned woman with captions such as, "It's not always easy, but it's always worth it," and "Suck it up and one day you won't have to suck it in," as well as "Don't eat (name of awesome food)" etc... I then decided to search for the "bad" thinspiration (I am only putting 'bad' in quotes to compare it to the fitness motivation posters; the irony of how they consider those acceptable. I DO think thinspiration is 'bad'). When I typed "thinspiration" into the search box, this came up at the top of the page,

"Eating disorders are not lifestyle choices, they are mental disorders that if left untreated can cause serious health problems or could even be life-threatening. For treatment referrals, information, and support, you can always contact the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline..."

nevertheless, "thinspiration" quotes appeared below it, these featuring emaciated women, with protruding bones. But, my point is that these two "inspirations" are honestly not that different. While one is seemingly promoting a "healthy" body image - it's really not. It is saying "do whatever it takes to look like this, because that is what is important in life." It is saying "push yourself to the extreme and never touch a dessert because that will prove you are better." Well, I have done that. I have pushed myself with a version of "It's not always easy, but it's always worth it," running through my head. I decided (past tense!) to never touch certain foods. Along with those decisions came...nothing. No fruit to bear. Whether it is obsessing over being toned and fit, or just being skinny, it is still an obsession. It becomes your entire life, leaving no room for actual LIVING.  

So, do not be fooled with this seemingly "healthy" twist on "thinspiration." Focus on living a whole, balanced, and full life (which I am saying to myself as well). 

Sugar? Yes, please.

If I see one more article/post about "cutting sugar from your diet" I am going to SCREAM. Why this has become such a fad, I am not sure, but it is driving me crazy.

Biochemist Leah Fitzsimmons, of the University of Birmingham in the UK, told The Daily Mail last year:

"Cutting all sugar from your diet would be very difficult to achieve. Fruits, vegetables, dairy products and dairy replacements, eggs, alcohol and nuts all contain sugar, which would leave you with little other than meat and fats to eat - definitely not very healthy."

Once again, it is proven that completely eliminating something from your diet is not healthy (I know sugar is not a food group, it is found in so many nutritious things, it still applies in this situation).

I think this is a good reminder for people to remember that food IS meant to be fuel for your body, BUT it is also meant to be ENJOYED. It a gift from God to be able to eat and enjoy food. I am not saying eat as much sugar as you can/want all the time. I am saying, once (well, more than once) again, that everything in moderation is the key.

"There's a role for sugar in our diet. After all, what's the point of being healthy if it's not to enjoy living?"-Dr. David Katz, director of the Prevention Research Center at Yale University in New Haven, CT. 

(Don't) Push it to the Limit

I haven't posted anything in so long! I think it is time for me to get back into the blogging world. Even if no one else reads these posts, I enjoy writing them. It also encourages me to keep moving forward in my journey with balance and moderation.

Today I am going to write about exercise- such a tricky subject! Running has always been my go to form of activity, but since suffering a severe stress fracture in my femur January of 2014, I have not been running. I also have refrained from running because my dietician does not approve of me doing so right now, even though it has been over a year.

I understood at first that I needed to heal my stress fracture. However, the reasons my RD had for me were different. I have a history of over doing it in the exercise department. I have used running in the past in negative ways. But, it has been my motivation many times to continue on my recovery journey, "if you get to a healthy weight you can run again." But every time I got to my healthy weight and started to run, I down spiraled. I became obsessed, having to run faster, longer, looking up running tips and races online. I wanted to be defined by running.

"This time will be different" I would say to myself every time I was allowed to start running. But it never was. My motivation for running always turned into - how many calories am I burning?/if I don't run I can't eat my snack, ect.

I have missed running so much lately, and I thought I was ready to start again. After a conversation with my RD though, I realized this might not be the case. I am currently going on walks (not runs) and that is even hard for me to contain. I admit that I have become a little obsessive about these walks. It is so incredibly hard for me to not think about exercising in an extreme way. I always want to go harder, longer. I truly think pushing my body to its limits is part of who I am, however, I realize that this has been detrimental to me in the past, and I need to be cautious of it.

I truly want to be able to run again without becoming obsessed about it or developing unhealthy habits. With my history, this is going to be a difficult thing to do., but I want so badly to work towards this goal. Contrary to my thoughts at the beginning of this week, I do not think I am at the point yet where I can start running again. For now, my focus will be on continuing to go walking, and trying to keep that in balance.

Fight On

I began this blog with good intentions. I wanted to tell people that it was ok to eat anything in moderation. However, I was not ok with eating anything in moderation. I still had foods that I would not touch. Foods that scared me just by looking at them. These past few weeks I have been pushed FAR out of my comfort zone, and it has been very difficult, but also eye-opening and exciting. 

I posted about eating fries a few months ago. At that time, eating a few fries was a big deal for me and it was a great step in the right direction, but only having a few fries a few times a year would not lead me to the freedom I hoped for. I needed to be pushed, and I was. BIG TIME. My dietitian decided I would be having 2 desserts a week, and not compensating with safe foods the rest of the time. Terrifying is an understatement. I did not want to do this! After about two weeks of going back and forth in my head, I decided that I would try this thing... my qualified dietitian had no reason to screw me over, right? 

When I finally decided to trust her, and follow my meal plan 100%, it was not easy. I wanted to restrict and go back to my old habits, but I fought hard with the voices in my head and continued to follow my plan. I remember the first week I ate everything on my meal plan, including the two extra desserts, and went to my RD appointment. I was so nervous that I had gained an obscene amount of weight...I hadn't. My weight had not moved. How on earth was this possible? Was it true that I could eat things in moderation without gaining weight? I had consumed multiple foods I wasn't comfortable with over the course of the weekend...candy on top of frozen yogurt, a panini, a cookie, French toast! The key here is the moderation part, once again. Like my RD said, she wasn't telling me to eat three cookies after lunch, just one. I wasn't supposed to eat multiple plates of French toast. Now, this doesn't mean that I ate half a piece of French toast or a bite of a cookie. I ate a normal portion, and was full afterward. Moderation does not mean deprivation.

This past weekend was probably the most challenging, but liberating one yet. I ate a burger and drank a milkshake. In one sitting. I survived to tell the tale, and I also look the same. The hardest part about this challenge was the next day. I so badly wanted to restrict, and I felt guilty. But something my RD often tells me stuck in my head...  thinking I need to restrict and feeling guilty implies that I did something wrong. I did nothing wrong! My dietitian planned that meal for me. No, I am not going to eat that everyday, but it was ok to have! My weight did not skyrocket and I still need to feed my body my normal amount, no compensating! I am still struggling with thoughts about this meal, but I will not let Ed convince me I did something wrong. I will follow my meal plan 100% today. I will fight on. 

Calories, Calories, Everywhere!

The FDA is requiring all restaurant chains, convient stores and movie theaters to display the calorie content of their menu items beginning in November 2015. Some restuarants already do this, so it is not a new concept. However, my question is, is this a good idea? Will it promote healthier habits among Americans?

This article shows that in the past, calorie content has had no effect on consumers' decisions.

http://www.livescience.com/9306-nutrition-labels-menus-dont-alter-habits.html

In my opinion, posting solely calories on menus is not beneficial. As seen in the article above, it has had no effect on ordering habits in the past, and if it did change someone's mind about what to order, it is based only on calories! There is more to food that calorie content. What about the amount of protein? Omega 3 fatty acids? If calories are the deciding factor for a meal, then someone may order the iceburg lettuce salad-but gain absoletulty no nutrients! Avocado is higher in calories than lite mayo, but that doesn't make it healthier!

I believe people need to be more educated about nutrition and portion sizes, as well as listening to your body! If you go to a restuarant and order what your body truly wants, stopping when you are full, the numbers on the menu are not important.

Holiday "Tips"- No Thank You

If I see one more article about how to "survive" holiday eating, I might go insane. I am talking about the articles in "health" magazines that give tips on how to get through Thanksgiving without gaining weight. These tips include (but are not limited to) exercising before and after your Thanksgiving meal, only eating one bite of dessert, wearing tight fitting clothing ("you will be too busy holding in your stomach to overeat"), only putting two things on your plate at a time, steering clear of additions such as butter and whipped cream, and weighing yourself daily.

Not only are these "tips" unhealthy (weighing yourself daily is never a good idea-fluctuations are normal, my friends) they are ruining these special holiday meals! Wearing tight fitting clothes to make sure you hold in your tummy and do not overeat? Is that what you want your mind to be focused on during the entirety of your holiday meal? Making sure you only eat one bite of pumpkin pie without any whipped cream (even though pumpkin pie isn't even good without whipped cream) and getting in that workout after the big meal? If you follow these tips you probably can survive a holiday without gaining a single ounce. You can also guarantee that you will be preoccupied with what you cannot eat, and unable to be present, engaged, unable to experience the life going on around you.

The holidays are special. A special time for food, family, friends, memories and experiences. Listen to your body. If you want more than one bite of pumpkin pie-have it. Have it with whipped cream. Enjoy the holiday meal, don't settle for simply surviving it.